Many of you may not know, but I dabble in philosophy and the pursuit of universal truths.
Because of this, I often develop theorems that help explain particular phenomena.
Here is one that I believe has been proven time and time again that pertains to office computer literacy:
There is an inverse relationship between employee age, and understanding of the REPLY-TO-ALL e-mail option.
More and more often, it seems like the older an employee is, the higher their likelihood of sending out some pointless jibberish to an entire office (or corporation).
I think this problem rears its head worst around the holidays. Inevitably, what happens is that one of the people from our Corporate Office (let's call her Janet) will send out an email to ALL USERS (quite literally, all users of email in our 20-some branches, encompassing 1000+ employees) saying "Happy Holidays Everybody! blahblahblahblahblah." Then, all hell breaks loose, because an avalanche of responses begins. Here's the kind of bullshit that can be expected in "replies-to-all," and my thoughts about the responses.
1 minute later:
Jack, the Corporate VP out of Chicago will reply (to all):
"Hey thanks Janet! Happy Holidays to all of you too! Be safe"
(I think: "Oh sweet Jesus. It begins. Fuck you Jack. Seriously.")
1 1/4 minutes later:
George, the warehouse manager from Hartford replies (to all):
"Thanks."
(I think: "Thank you George for your enlightened response. I had not considered your perspective. I'm going to stab out my eyes now.")
1 3/4 minutes later:
Eric, from Tampa replies (to all):
"Oh you too Janet! Have fun all you Northerners! Enjoy your snow! It's 75 here! I'm taking the family down to the beach."
(I think: "Eric. May the crystal waters surrounding Florida be infested with sharks and box jellyfish. May the waters be infected with oil just as your pointless response has infected my Outlook.")
2 minutes later:
Brendan, Project Manager from St. Paul replies (to all):
"Thanks for that Eric. It's 20 here and miserable."
(I think: "Brendan man! Thanks for the dose of sarcasm to lay out Eric the Dick, but let's just stop this nonsense. You're just feeding the fire.")
5 Minutes Later:
Jan, from Corporate, replies (to all):
"Oh Eric know need to bring the grinch out!"
(I think: "God Jan. Learn to spell. It's evident nobody is doing any work. I'm getting the fuck out of here.")
And so it continues. On average, I would anticipate that emails of the "Happy Holidays" nature generate an average of 15 or so totally useless emails. Generally, 99% of all of these horrible reply-to-alls come from men. Whether this is because old men are totally computer illiterate, or because I work in construction which is 95% men, I don't know. I just report the facts as I get them.
But unfortunately, misuse of the "reply-to-all" feature does not just occur with holiday messages. It happens on a daily basis. It's not at all uncommon to be copied on the back and forth of two people (out of 10 or so) that are trying to line up a meeting... Now I understand being copied on the correspondence if I need to attend this particular meeting, but that is generally not the case. Typically, maybe 3/10 people on the original email are "required attendees." Therefore, the remaining 7 people probably don't need to get 10 new Inbox messages consisting of:
Attendee #1: "Okay great, it looks like it's just going to be the three of us"
Attendee #2: "Awesome, where do you want to have the meeting?"
Attendee #3: "How about the blue room on the 4th floor?"
Attendee #1: "Can't. Joseph is using it for a proposal review."
Attendee #2: "That fucking guy."
Attendee #3: "Who? Joseph? He's not that bad."
Attendee #2: "Fuck Joseph, let's go to Five Guys."
Attendee #1: "gotta get there before 11:30 AM or else its too crowded."
Attendee #2: "K. Done. 5 guys at 11:15."
Attendee #1: "Thanks everybody see you there"
So people. What I would like you to take away from this blog post is the following:
WHEN I DECIDE TO REPLY-TO-ALL, IT IS FUNNY, AND SHOULD BE APPRECIATED. BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, IT'S JUST NOT COOL.
Because YOU are probably the one who pours salt into my wound by replying-to-all:
Attendee #2: "hey guys wait. which 5 guys? the one by the mall or the one off 95?"
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Favorite Music Videos of Lately
I've been extremely busy not blogging lately.
Here are some of my favorite music videos of "lately" that I've come across. "Lately" encompasses a period of roughly... I dunno... how long has it been since I last posted about music videos? But you know what? These videos are all pretty sweet. They are required viewing. And that makes the name of this blog ironic... because I advocate that there is nothing to see here, and yet there is. This blog is a contradiction of everything you and I have ever known. It defies the space time continuum. I don't even know what that means. Just prepare for your mind to be blown.
The Avalanches- "Since I Left You"
This album has actually been one of my favorite albums since it first came out. And that was in 2000. You were probably freaking out about Y2K back then. But while you were freaking about Y2K, this album dropped, and it was/is awesome. And then, 10 or so years after the album release, I noticed this video. And the video's awesome too. It's very "feel-good."
Is Tropical - The Greeks
This video is BALLER. It is a video LIKE A BOSS. What am I even watching?! It's like a short film of kids re-enacting some ridiculously baddass blend of "Heat," "Scarface," and every other violent movie about drugs and gangs ever made. I love the drug lab in the video. It's professional.
IS TROPICAL - THE GREEKS (official music video) from EL NINO on Vimeo.
Raekwon - "House of Flying Daggers"
So during the time I've spent not blogging, I've listened to a LOT of Raekwon and Ghostface Killah. Between the two of them, I think I have like 10 of their albums. That's impressive, because I can't think of many rappers that have more than 1 or 2 good albums. Anyway, in true Wu-Tang style, these guys love kung-fu, and I love kung-fu. Hence, I love this video:
Here are some of my favorite music videos of "lately" that I've come across. "Lately" encompasses a period of roughly... I dunno... how long has it been since I last posted about music videos? But you know what? These videos are all pretty sweet. They are required viewing. And that makes the name of this blog ironic... because I advocate that there is nothing to see here, and yet there is. This blog is a contradiction of everything you and I have ever known. It defies the space time continuum. I don't even know what that means. Just prepare for your mind to be blown.
The Avalanches- "Since I Left You"
This album has actually been one of my favorite albums since it first came out. And that was in 2000. You were probably freaking out about Y2K back then. But while you were freaking about Y2K, this album dropped, and it was/is awesome. And then, 10 or so years after the album release, I noticed this video. And the video's awesome too. It's very "feel-good."
Is Tropical - The Greeks
This video is BALLER. It is a video LIKE A BOSS. What am I even watching?! It's like a short film of kids re-enacting some ridiculously baddass blend of "Heat," "Scarface," and every other violent movie about drugs and gangs ever made. I love the drug lab in the video. It's professional.
IS TROPICAL - THE GREEKS (official music video) from EL NINO on Vimeo.
Raekwon - "House of Flying Daggers"
So during the time I've spent not blogging, I've listened to a LOT of Raekwon and Ghostface Killah. Between the two of them, I think I have like 10 of their albums. That's impressive, because I can't think of many rappers that have more than 1 or 2 good albums. Anyway, in true Wu-Tang style, these guys love kung-fu, and I love kung-fu. Hence, I love this video:
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A New Case of the Mondays
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
Everybody remembers these lines. Because everybody knows Office Space. Or, at least I thought everybody knew Office Space. Recently, the culmination of six years in a unique work environment have led me to suggest the following rules for the workplace.
1) The "Unfiltered Positivity Rule." Henceforth, individual employees shall not exude sickening amounts of positivity in an effort to counteract general majority feelings of cynicism and pessimism.
Example:
I come in to work everyday and am typically between 6.3-8/10 on what I will call the "positivity scale", which I feel is pretty decent for the existing gloomy economic climate. And yet, when I come in, I more often than not encounter an employee who I will call "Bob." When I see Bob, I have to say hello- if I don't, Lord knows he will be offended. And so I play the game, and don't really have a problem with it. But after I say "Hey Bob how's it going man?!," it's his response that pains me.
Inevitably he responds with something like: "Oh you know me! Even on my worst day I'm better than you on your best day!" Really?! Lawrence, can you say shit like that?
If Bob told me he were doing great, and left it at that, that's one thing. But his "unfiltered (and excessive) positivity" offends me and frankly makes me think that there is something wrong with him. I should note that Bob does this with everybody and I am not alone in my feelings about it.
We also used to have another guy who when you asked how he was doing, would respond: "Too blessed to be stressed my brotha." This was always a touch ironic because he had a reputation for not really working all that hard.
Where do these people come from?!
2) Do not tell employees they are lucky to be overworked, because at least they are employed. I get it. We are in a bad economy. There is just under 10% unemployment and those of us who have jobs are lucky. BUT, for those of in the private sector, it is more often the rule than the exception that in order to navigate these challenging times, companies cost cut. And they typically cost cut by cutting people. And the same workload that 10 people used to share is now split among 7 people. And so while the 7 people are lucky to still be employed, they are doing a lot more, and getting compensated the same (or less). When one's workload dramatically increases, I think it is natural for them to occasionally vent.
The other day, I was venting. Things had come to a tipping point, and I was having a moment of insanity. And as I vented, someone said to me: "Well, it's better than the alternative right? I mean... it's better to have too much work than being unemployed right? I mean, at least we have jobs."
Okay. Thanks, I get it. But what you just said to me does NOT make me feel better.
When someone tells you they have cancer, do you respond "Well... at least you're alive, right? At least it's not ebola. That shit will kill you even faster." ?
In a lot of way, this rule ties into #1. In companies' quests to improve employee morale in these nasty times, they are doing and saying the most ridiculous things. They are willing to try and do everything and anything EXCEPT admit the reality of the situation. Honesty always wins out, and I think I would prefer to hear: "Look. Shit really is awful right now. But we're going to get through it, things will improve, and we appreciate you sticking it out with us."
You want to fix your office environment? It's simple. Send out an Outlook Invite to your employees. 12:00 PM Friday, free up your schedule because lunch is on the company. We'll congregate in the Conference room, we're going to put Office Space up on the projector, and work's out for the week when it culminates. And from there, we're going to Happy Hour where you first few drinks are on us.
1) The "Unfiltered Positivity Rule." Henceforth, individual employees shall not exude sickening amounts of positivity in an effort to counteract general majority feelings of cynicism and pessimism.
Example:
I come in to work everyday and am typically between 6.3-8/10 on what I will call the "positivity scale", which I feel is pretty decent for the existing gloomy economic climate. And yet, when I come in, I more often than not encounter an employee who I will call "Bob." When I see Bob, I have to say hello- if I don't, Lord knows he will be offended. And so I play the game, and don't really have a problem with it. But after I say "Hey Bob how's it going man?!," it's his response that pains me.
Inevitably he responds with something like: "Oh you know me! Even on my worst day I'm better than you on your best day!" Really?! Lawrence, can you say shit like that?
If Bob told me he were doing great, and left it at that, that's one thing. But his "unfiltered (and excessive) positivity" offends me and frankly makes me think that there is something wrong with him. I should note that Bob does this with everybody and I am not alone in my feelings about it.
We also used to have another guy who when you asked how he was doing, would respond: "Too blessed to be stressed my brotha." This was always a touch ironic because he had a reputation for not really working all that hard.
Where do these people come from?!
2) Do not tell employees they are lucky to be overworked, because at least they are employed. I get it. We are in a bad economy. There is just under 10% unemployment and those of us who have jobs are lucky. BUT, for those of in the private sector, it is more often the rule than the exception that in order to navigate these challenging times, companies cost cut. And they typically cost cut by cutting people. And the same workload that 10 people used to share is now split among 7 people. And so while the 7 people are lucky to still be employed, they are doing a lot more, and getting compensated the same (or less). When one's workload dramatically increases, I think it is natural for them to occasionally vent.
The other day, I was venting. Things had come to a tipping point, and I was having a moment of insanity. And as I vented, someone said to me: "Well, it's better than the alternative right? I mean... it's better to have too much work than being unemployed right? I mean, at least we have jobs."
Okay. Thanks, I get it. But what you just said to me does NOT make me feel better.
When someone tells you they have cancer, do you respond "Well... at least you're alive, right? At least it's not ebola. That shit will kill you even faster." ?
In a lot of way, this rule ties into #1. In companies' quests to improve employee morale in these nasty times, they are doing and saying the most ridiculous things. They are willing to try and do everything and anything EXCEPT admit the reality of the situation. Honesty always wins out, and I think I would prefer to hear: "Look. Shit really is awful right now. But we're going to get through it, things will improve, and we appreciate you sticking it out with us."
You want to fix your office environment? It's simple. Send out an Outlook Invite to your employees. 12:00 PM Friday, free up your schedule because lunch is on the company. We'll congregate in the Conference room, we're going to put Office Space up on the projector, and work's out for the week when it culminates. And from there, we're going to Happy Hour where you first few drinks are on us.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Oh no...
Since I last gave a shout-out to them on my blog (Jon Wye), it seems the creative folks at JonWye have started making pretty badass leather belts and guitar straps.
One belt is called "Zombies in the Wild West."
Zombies in the Wild West
God help my wallet...
Oh no... They make those too. I'm feeling this one:
One belt is called "Zombies in the Wild West."
Zombies in the Wild West
God help my wallet...
Oh no... They make those too. I'm feeling this one:
Friday, April 22, 2011
Favorite "New" Music of Lately
I am well aware that I overuse the word "awesome." On this blog, in my everyday speech, whatever. I overuse the word. Not to toot my own horn, but it just MUST be because I AM AWESOME! Right?!
Well, whatever you may think about my awesomeness, it's not me that I'm talking about in this blog post. It's more awesomely sweet music. I absolutely love listening to and playing music. I listen to music loudly in my room, and even louder in the car. I firmly believe that for every situation in life, there's a song. My dream job would be to handpick the songs to movies. I think that God put me on Earth to do that. I'm pretty sure I would do the job better than anybody else. Unfortunately, my phone is not ringing with requests to do this, and so I'm a lowly Engineer.
Because I love music so much, I have to share with you my favorite albums of lately... I'm like a one-man Campus Crusade for Christ... except I just want you to rock the fuck out, and we can leave religion out of it:
1. Foo Fighters- Wasting Light
So I had written the Foo Fighters off as pretty much washed up... Their last albums have all had a good song or two, but have largely consisted of filler material. This album is all killer, no filler. There are heavy Queens of the Stone Age influences (see "Bridge Burning" and "White Limo") that I love, which makes sense because Dave Grohl kicks ass with them every now and then. AND, even the radio-friendly songs are amazing this time around. "Walk" is an awesome "redemption" song and I can't fault a band for making a radio-friendly song when it is THIS good... This album belongs on everybody's record shelf/iTunes collection/Amazon Cloud Drive, because lord knows there's something everybody can enjoy here! And while I'm saluting the Foo Fighters, if you look around on YouTube, you will notice that they have been playing shows in the garages' of their fans for the last couple months! How sweet is that?! AND, how awesome is the Beatles throwback below? They are the shit.
QOTSA influence in full effect! Compare and contrast!:
2. Holy Ghost!
I saw these guys open for Cut Copy and they cranked out some very cool electro-y-disco-y tunes! They were a crazy mix between Chromeo/Phoenix and good old fashioned 80s music. The album is very fun, and is perfect for the approaching summer. My favorite song off the album is below, but I should stress that the album as a whole has MANY songs that are this good!
3. Metronomy
I had never heard of these guys... until I started religiously following a Swedish club's blog! They have recently started posting Metronomy songs- I like what I heard and so I downloaded the album. Behold, one of my favorite songs of lately. I have played the living shit out of this song (as Liz can attest!)!
Again, I highly recommend everybody pick up this album. Especially you Adam since you dig the French.
And then there is this song with one of the ILLEST basslines I've heard in a long time... Great album...
4. Raekwon- Shaolin vs Wu-Tang
I'm 1/2 white, 1/2 Indian, and I love Wu-Tang. Raekwon is my 2nd favorite Wu-Tang member after RZA and he is blessed with the ability to only make disgustingly sick albums. Like all Wu material, this album is dabbled with kung-fu samples and pretty cool imagery... Maybe I am particular intrigued by this album because I've been learning kung-fu for the last year and a half... but it's more than just that!
"Dressed in all black, perfect vision, and their movement is in silence... This is Shaolin..."
5. Tame Impala-InnerSpeaker
So this album's >1 year old, but I just got to it lately... And it rocks. It's very psychedelic, and filled with phaser and delay. What's that? It means the music sounds like a wave... In fact, after listening to this album on repeat for a while, I went out and bought myself a nice two-phase phaser...
Doesn't the music sound like how the video looks?
And for all you dancers, here is a phenomenal remix of one of my favorites from the album:
My badass phaser :)
That's it for now... I've got some sweet concerts coming up!
A-Trak
Crystal Castles
The Strokes
and
Tame Impala
It's going to be great.
Well, whatever you may think about my awesomeness, it's not me that I'm talking about in this blog post. It's more awesomely sweet music. I absolutely love listening to and playing music. I listen to music loudly in my room, and even louder in the car. I firmly believe that for every situation in life, there's a song. My dream job would be to handpick the songs to movies. I think that God put me on Earth to do that. I'm pretty sure I would do the job better than anybody else. Unfortunately, my phone is not ringing with requests to do this, and so I'm a lowly Engineer.
Because I love music so much, I have to share with you my favorite albums of lately... I'm like a one-man Campus Crusade for Christ... except I just want you to rock the fuck out, and we can leave religion out of it:
1. Foo Fighters- Wasting Light
So I had written the Foo Fighters off as pretty much washed up... Their last albums have all had a good song or two, but have largely consisted of filler material. This album is all killer, no filler. There are heavy Queens of the Stone Age influences (see "Bridge Burning" and "White Limo") that I love, which makes sense because Dave Grohl kicks ass with them every now and then. AND, even the radio-friendly songs are amazing this time around. "Walk" is an awesome "redemption" song and I can't fault a band for making a radio-friendly song when it is THIS good... This album belongs on everybody's record shelf/iTunes collection/Amazon Cloud Drive, because lord knows there's something everybody can enjoy here! And while I'm saluting the Foo Fighters, if you look around on YouTube, you will notice that they have been playing shows in the garages' of their fans for the last couple months! How sweet is that?! AND, how awesome is the Beatles throwback below? They are the shit.
QOTSA influence in full effect! Compare and contrast!:
2. Holy Ghost!
I saw these guys open for Cut Copy and they cranked out some very cool electro-y-disco-y tunes! They were a crazy mix between Chromeo/Phoenix and good old fashioned 80s music. The album is very fun, and is perfect for the approaching summer. My favorite song off the album is below, but I should stress that the album as a whole has MANY songs that are this good!
3. Metronomy
I had never heard of these guys... until I started religiously following a Swedish club's blog! They have recently started posting Metronomy songs- I like what I heard and so I downloaded the album. Behold, one of my favorite songs of lately. I have played the living shit out of this song (as Liz can attest!)!
Again, I highly recommend everybody pick up this album. Especially you Adam since you dig the French.
And then there is this song with one of the ILLEST basslines I've heard in a long time... Great album...
4. Raekwon- Shaolin vs Wu-Tang
I'm 1/2 white, 1/2 Indian, and I love Wu-Tang. Raekwon is my 2nd favorite Wu-Tang member after RZA and he is blessed with the ability to only make disgustingly sick albums. Like all Wu material, this album is dabbled with kung-fu samples and pretty cool imagery... Maybe I am particular intrigued by this album because I've been learning kung-fu for the last year and a half... but it's more than just that!
"Dressed in all black, perfect vision, and their movement is in silence... This is Shaolin..."
5. Tame Impala-InnerSpeaker
So this album's >1 year old, but I just got to it lately... And it rocks. It's very psychedelic, and filled with phaser and delay. What's that? It means the music sounds like a wave... In fact, after listening to this album on repeat for a while, I went out and bought myself a nice two-phase phaser...
Doesn't the music sound like how the video looks?
And for all you dancers, here is a phenomenal remix of one of my favorites from the album:
My badass phaser :)
That's it for now... I've got some sweet concerts coming up!
A-Trak
Crystal Castles
The Strokes
and
Tame Impala
It's going to be great.
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Revised Holiday Schedule
Ladies and Gentlemen:
January 2nd through May 30th is the worst period of the year.
It's cold. It's dark a lot. And there are no holidays. And let's face it. A holiday is only a holiday if you're not working.
If you're lucky, you get MLK day off. But unless you're a federal employee, this stretch of the year is a barren wasteland of shittiness.
January 2nd through May 30th is the worst period of the year.
It's cold. It's dark a lot. And there are no holidays. And let's face it. A holiday is only a holiday if you're not working.
If you're lucky, you get MLK day off. But unless you're a federal employee, this stretch of the year is a barren wasteland of shittiness.
From Office of Personnel Management... the red arrows indicate the days our slacker government gets off that most non-fed employees don't get...
Looking at the above schedule, it's clear to me what needs to be done:
1) First, we need to make sure that MLK Day and Washington's Birthday are days that everybody get off- Not just the Feds. And while we're at it, give us non-federal workers Columbus Day and Veterans Day off too. I'm aware that there are non-Feds that get some or all of these four days off, but I feel like that's the exception and not the rule. It needs to be the rule.
Oh, and speaking of George, did you know that there is a Washington Monument in Baltimore City?
Here it is at night. Also, if you drive up I83 north through the city, you can see it on your left. He's holding a scroll or something but it looks like a giant penis. Just saying...
2) We need to create at least three more YOU-ABSOLUTELY-POSITIVELY-MUST-HAVE-THIS-DAY-OFF holidays. As in... everything shuts down. Everything. Except liquor stores... These holidays would be the equivalent of Christmas in that the overwhelming majority of America should get them off. I want for the overwhelming majority of Americans to have the option of just sitting on their obese asses on these days. Yes, some people may choose to be productive, but I would hope most of us just view these new holidays as an excuse to go out.
I would propose these three:
Groundhog Day would offer America a collective chance to just catch their breath. Occurring on February 2nd, Americans will have just completed their first full month of work since October. And since it's always better to ease back into something, it makes perfect sense from a timing point of view to give everybody this day off. Depending on what the American public thinks, I would be willing to swap Groundhog day for Super Bowl Sunday, but an American holiday based on a sporting event might be frowned upon by some people (Hi Liz!).
Valentine's Day. The purpose of establishing Valentine's Day as an official holiday is two-fold. First, it gives America a vacation from their recent vacation. Did Groundhog Day wear you out? Well throw your feet up and relax with your loved one(s, if you are Mormon or a swinger) on Valentine's Day. Second, Valentine's Day as a real holiday would probably be good for the economy. Yes, there would be a dip in overall GDP due to a one-day loss in overall production of goods and services. But, I think this would be offset by heightened commercialism (buying of flowers, visiting restaurants, going out to bars) and a net increase in yearly productivity as a direct result of the additional day of rest.
Earth Day. Occurring on April 22nd, Earth Day would be the designated April holiday. Yes, this overlaps with Easter, but Easter is not a holiday that everbody gets off. Furthermore, while we might disagree on Jesus, we can't disagree that we are all members of PLANET EARTH. AND FURTHERFURTHERMORE, I would say that Jesus would encourage the celebrating of Earth Day wholeheartedly given that his dad allegedly made it. Isn't that how it went? I don't know. My religion knowledge is a little shaky.
"Hello, I'm Jesus! You may know me from such books as the BIBLE. I'm here to tell you that when it comes to Earth Day, don't slack on your pimpin'."
SO, with these modifications, we have added:
GROUNDHOG DAY or SUPER BOWL SUNDAY into February
VALENTINE'S DAY into February
EARTH DAY into April
Now I know I was only going to suggest three, but we need something for March.
While St. Patrick's Day is the obvious choice, I must confess that I hate St. Patrick's Day. I think it goes back to the days of Elementary School when I was incessantly pinched for not wearing green. The fuckers that used to do that have gone nowhere in their lives by the way. I checked on Facebook.
So, for March, we will go with International Women's Day. Women love women, and men love women, so why can't America step up to the plate like the rest of the world and acknowledge this great day?
And that concludes the revised holiday schedule. While I don't expect any immediate changes, I take solace in the fact that Memorial Day is right around the corner! SALVATION!
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