Corporate Theorem

Many of you may not know, but I dabble in philosophy and the pursuit of universal truths. 

Because of this, I often develop theorems that help explain particular phenomena.

Here is one that I believe has been proven time and time again that pertains to office computer literacy:

There is an inverse relationship between employee age, and understanding of the REPLY-TO-ALL e-mail option.

More and more often, it seems like the older an employee is, the higher their likelihood of sending out some pointless jibberish to an entire office (or corporation).

I think this problem rears its head worst around the holidays.  Inevitably, what happens is that one of the people from our Corporate Office (let's call her Janet) will send out an email to ALL USERS (quite literally, all users of email in our 20-some branches, encompassing 1000+ employees) saying "Happy Holidays Everybody!  blahblahblahblahblah."  Then, all hell breaks loose, because an avalanche of responses begins.  Here's the kind of bullshit that can be expected in "replies-to-all," and my thoughts about the responses.

1 minute later:
Jack, the Corporate VP out of Chicago will reply (to all):
"Hey thanks Janet!  Happy Holidays to all of you too!  Be safe"
(I think:  "Oh sweet Jesus.  It begins.  Fuck you Jack.  Seriously.")

1 1/4 minutes later:
George, the warehouse manager from Hartford replies (to all):
"Thanks."
(I think:  "Thank you George for your enlightened response.  I had not considered your perspective.  I'm going to stab out my eyes now.")

1 3/4 minutes later:
Eric, from Tampa replies (to all):
"Oh you too Janet!  Have fun all you Northerners!  Enjoy your snow!  It's 75 here!  I'm taking the family down to the beach."
(I think:  "Eric.  May the crystal waters surrounding Florida be infested with sharks and box jellyfish.  May the waters be infected with oil just as your pointless response has infected my Outlook.")  

2 minutes later:
Brendan, Project Manager from St. Paul replies (to all):
"Thanks for that Eric.  It's 20 here and miserable."
(I think:  "Brendan man!  Thanks for the dose of sarcasm to lay out Eric the Dick, but let's just stop this nonsense.  You're just feeding the fire.")



5 Minutes Later:  
Jan, from Corporate, replies (to all):
"Oh Eric know need to bring the grinch out!"
(I think:  "God Jan.  Learn to spell.  It's evident nobody is doing any work.  I'm getting the fuck out of here.")


And so it continues.  On average, I would anticipate that emails of the "Happy Holidays" nature generate an average of 15 or so totally useless emails.  Generally, 99% of all of these horrible reply-to-alls come from men.  Whether this is because old men are totally computer illiterate, or because I work in construction which is 95% men, I don't know.  I just report the facts as I get them.

But unfortunately, misuse of the "reply-to-all" feature does not just occur with holiday messages.  It happens on a daily basis.  It's not at all uncommon to be copied on the back and forth of two people (out of 10 or so) that are trying to line up a meeting... Now I understand being copied on the correspondence if I need to attend this particular meeting, but that is generally not the case.  Typically, maybe 3/10 people on the original email are "required attendees."  Therefore, the remaining 7 people probably don't need to get 10 new Inbox messages consisting of:

Attendee #1:  "Okay great, it looks like it's just going to be the three of us"
Attendee #2:  "Awesome, where do you want to have the meeting?"
Attendee #3:  "How about the blue room on the 4th floor?"
Attendee #1:  "Can't.  Joseph is using it for a proposal review."
Attendee #2:  "That fucking guy."
Attendee #3:  "Who?   Joseph?  He's not that bad."
Attendee #2:  "Fuck Joseph, let's go to Five Guys."
Attendee #1:  "gotta get there before 11:30 AM or else its too crowded."
Attendee #2:  "K.  Done.  5 guys at 11:15."
Attendee #1:  "Thanks everybody see you there"

So people.  What I would like you to take away from this blog post is the following:

WHEN I DECIDE TO REPLY-TO-ALL, IT IS FUNNY, AND SHOULD BE APPRECIATED.  BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, IT'S JUST NOT COOL.  

Because YOU are probably the one who pours salt into my wound by replying-to-all:

Attendee #2:  "hey guys wait. which 5 guys?  the one by the mall or the one off 95?"