Hey! What's up bitches?! And I don't mean that in a derogatory way- I mean it in like a collective "you all" type of way. It's kindof like the vosotros conjugation of ser. No? Okay well anyway, does you work environment suck?
Mine does. I have shitty cubicle walls, horrible fluorescent lighting, and those lameass fucking ceiling tiles that look like the world was inverted, and then a chain smoker came in and ashed his cigarette all over the ceiling (which is the floor in the inverted world), and then the world turned right way up again but the ash stuck.
You know, these!
Anyway, I recently decided that I had let this dismal environment wear my soul down enough. I recognized the need for change, and so today I attempted to install an INFLATABLE PAGAN WORSHIPPING SITE just outside my cubicle- but it was in the spirit of breaking the dull decor of the office and enhancing worker bee production!
The setup was uncanny. I had previously purchased a tiki totem statue, and a palm tree, and I then created what I call the "Gate of Unbelievable Awesomeness."
As you can see, the Gate consists of two components:
1) The Statue of Unbelievable Awesomeness (Left)
2) The Tree of Trouble Reduction (Right)
*My coworker Brandon is in the background. He is not a component of the Gate.
Notice how it just looks unbelievably awesome? The purpose of the Gate is two-fold. Not only does its appearance inspire awe and wonder, but it contributes to the company's bottom line. How? Well, when people in the office are stumped with a seemingly unresolvable problem, all they have to do is sacrifice at the foot of the Statue of Unbelievable Awesomeness. Upon sacrificing, their problem will be instantly solved.
[Sidenote: At this point, I think I am going to designate that the sacrifice is beer. When sacrifices are made, they will be collected daily by dedicated Gate maintenance servants such as myself. Gate maintenance servants shall also be responsible for Gate Component Inflation.]
Secondly, when people in the office are at the end of their rope due to a stress-inducing situation, they can nap under the Tree of Trouble Reduction. Upon waking, they will find their troubles cleared, and the path forward clearly illuminated.
For my forward thinking and radically progressive ideas that would no doubt lead to increased productivity and profitability, I thought I would be celebrated. I was wrong.
For when my boss stepped out of his office and first set his gaze upon the gate, he said:
"Hmm... Today's probably not a good day for this. The Corporate Sales VP is coming over with another newly hired Commercial Sales VP. He's going to show him around our office."
I was let down, but I understood what he was saying. CLEARLY, these VPs are NOT unbelievably awesome, and so they would probably suffer unfathomable consequences by even LOOKING at the Gate.
And so the Gate Components have been stashed away in a vacant cube, and I returned to work under the harsh glare of our crappy lighting and speckled ceilings. The Gate will reopen at a later date (possibly tomorrow) when surprise visits from newly created bureaucratic layers of our big company are less likely to happen.
And when the Gate reopens, I have no doubt that I will be recognized for my contribution to improving morale, and instantly promoted.
I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin in 1983. My mom's side of the family is from Manitowoc, Wisconsin- a painfully small town that built ships during World War II, but is today probably more known for its proximity to Green Bay, the city that houses THE BEST FOOTBALL TEAM EVER, a sports organization that win or lose, I will love until I die.
January 22nd, 1989 was my first sports memory ever. I was about 5 1/2. That year, I got a soccer ball for Christmas. And on 1/22/89, I ran around my house with the soccer ball, pretending that I was playing football, while Joe Montana laid the smack down on the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl XXIII. All I remember from that day is:
a) I was jumping over our house's couches pretending that I was Jerry Rice, and b) I was totally and completely happy
From 1989 to 1992, the most distinct memory I have is of Joe Montana and the 49ers again beating down someone in another Super Bowl. This time, it was the hapless Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXIV. But during 1989 to 1992, something else was brewing aside from the 49ers kicking ass and taking names. That something was Don "MAGIC" Majkowski (pic below) making a name for himself in Green Bay. After having a stellar year in 1989 where he lead the Packers to a 10-6 record, the "Majik man" was plagued by injuries, and gradually began to fade out from 1990 onward...
Majik Man
And then came Brett Fave (see: Majkowski's Misfortune for how this transition happened). After a shaky two starting years in 1992 and 1993, Brett Favre started taking names and kicking ass in the 1994 season. And it was at this point, that my football obsession started taking full force.
Favre Before the Interceptions Silvered Him
In 1994, I was 11 and a sixth grader. I remember sleeping over at my friend Jeff's place begging him to let me trade him for a Brett Favre Rookie Card. I also remember the top receiver for the Packers, Sterling Sharpe, being diagnosed with a career ending neck injury. I was devastated.
STERLING. THE MAN.
But with Brett Favre playing at the highest level in what would eventually be a career of infinite length, I got past it. At this point in my life, my football obsession was probably just "cute." I had a Packers scrapbook that I started. Every time we were in Wisconsin (which was frequently for holidays, long weekends, etc), I made it a point to cut out every single article about the Packers.
In 1995, I vividly remember Brett Favre winning the MVP award, and leading the Packers to a great season that was eventually ended by the Cowboys in the playoffs. This early life memory would carve a deep hatred of the Dallas Cowboys into me that I still carry to this day.
1996 was a phenomenal year since it was the last time the Packers won the Super Bowl! I remember being completely overjoyed when this happened! Later in life, I would appreciate that Desmond Howard, a University of Michigan Heisman Trophy winner, was the Super Bowl MVP.
Now... when your favorite team wins a championship, a funny thing happens. You become even more addicted to their success. You want to experience the happiness it brought you again, you want to feel the excitement of it, and you EXPECT it. Unfortunately, the odds of constant championships forever were stacked against me as I would realize from 1997 to the present.
In 1997, the Packers got to the Super Bowl again but lost... to the DENVER BRONCOS.
THIS loss was CRUSHING. And now that i think about it, I think that it is responsible for allowing sports to emotionally affect me. I know exactly where I was. I was at my friend Jessica's house. My entire family was over there, and the minute the clock ran down, I wanted to get away from EVERYTHING. I threatened to burn my cheesehead hat. Friends and family tried to console me but I was inconsolable. Not only was I at the age where kids are moodiest, but my favorite team had just lost. I was fairly certain that this moment was the end of the world.
In 1998, another crushing loss came about. Again, cut to the playoffs. We were playing the 49ers and Steve Young decided to toss a TD pass to a little known guy named T.O. In spite of dropping passes left and right over the ENTIRE COURSE OF THE GAME (and his career, zing!), he decided to catch one in the dying minutes, eliminating the Packers from the playoffs. The image of his catch is burned into my memory... For days after the game, I wondered how the hell T.O. caught the damn ball:
HOW?!
1999 and 2000 were throw-away years. The Packers had two coaching changes, and missed out on the playoffs both years. Living in Michigan, quite a few of the games would be broadcast and so I would watch them whenever they were on, regardless of record. Frustration was the word to describe these seasons. Countless hours were spent watching my team, EXPECTING them to turn it around, but they didn't.
2001-2006 were filled with teasing, pain, and heartbreak.
In 2001, the Packers had a solid season, and made the playoffs, only to have Brett Favre completely SHIT THE BED, throwing six interceptions to the St. Louis Rams. I remember spending the majority of that game with my head in my hands. It. was. abysmal. During the game, I think I thought to myself at one point: "This motherfucker is going to throw more passes to the other team than to ours!" Below is one of his intelligent passes from this game.
In 2002, the Pack AGAIN had a solid season and made the playoffs. This time though, they ran into Michael Vick (who hadn't yet started his dog-killing) and the Falcons who destroyed them at home 27-7.
In 2003, the Divisional Playoffs was the setting of a loss that hurt as much as taking a sword to the heart. The Packers were winning the game with 1:00 and change left in the 4th Quarter. To advance to the NFC Championship, all they had to do was stop the Eagles from converting a 4th down and 26. For non-football speakers, the odds of this happening are about the same of you winning the Mega Millions Jackpot. And convert they did... The game would go on into overtime, and Brett Favre would throw a horrendous interception, and in turn throw away the game...
Following this loss, I started losing faith in Brett Favre. While he still put up decent enough numbers, he had performed miserably in the playoffs for three consecutive seasons.
2004-2006 were dark years in my life as a diehard Packers fan, as they represented some of the worst Packers seasons of the decade, including one gem of a year where Brett Favre through 20 TDs and 29 INTs. Luckily, COLLEGE, and its ever-present boatloads of fun had taken over my life to take my mind of matters.
In January 2006, I moved to the East Coast from the Midwest to start the "CAREER PHASE" in my life. While having a job generally sucks, I have to say that I love having absolutely free Sundays to follow my team. AND, there is something about watching a game in a bar with like-minded fans that is fantastic.
My first football season of "real life" was the 2007 season. AND, thankfully, the Packers started to actually kick ass again that particular year. After coming off of 5+ years of bad endings and bad seasons, the Packers ground out a 13-3 season that was capped by one of the most amazing games I have ever watched, and then one of the most painstaking.
First, the Packers crushed the Seahawks in a snowy mess of a game...
... which set them up for an NFC Championship showdown with the New York Giants. Now at the time, I thought the Giants were garbage, and so I was positive that my team would finally make their triumphant return back to the Super Bowl... and then this happened... in overtime:
I was in a bar in Annapolis when this happened. And as the Giants lined up to kick the game winning field goal, I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. It was a loss I could not get over for days! After 10 years, my Packers were within a step of the Super Bowl, and they lost it on yet another Favre interception. Painful. I was piss-drunk that night. I stumbled back from the bar almost in tears, and then I realized I left my credit card there. I didn't care.
The offseason after that loss saw Favre end his legendary run in Green Bay as he signed with the New York Jets. And then, Aaron Rodgers took over! And the dude has played lights-out since.
And then there was the Packers-Arizona game last year. If you never watched this game... you need to watch this. After going down 17, my friend tried his best to console me as I was borderline suicidal in an Arlington sports bar. After threatening to walk out numerous times, he convinced me to stay.
The thing that killed me about this game was the way it ended. It was the clearest of clear penalties.
Yet... nothing was called.
And so here we are in 2011. The last 13-14 years of my life have been absolutely awesome. And life as a diehard Packer fan has been filled with enormous ups and downs. While I recapped the lowest of lows in this post, there have been countless highs as well. As the saying goes, "the sweet ain't as sweet without the sour." So I've experienced plenty of sweet and plenty of sour in my time as a Packer fan, and I can handle a few more tough losses before undergoing a complete psychiatric breakdown... But man... this season, it is seemingly in the stars.
After a rough season where they lose 6 games by a combined 20 points, they had to win their last two games to make the playoffs.
They did, and were the lowest seeded playoff team.
In the first round of the playoffs, in an away game, they knock Michael Vick (arguably the runner-up to the MVP award this season) and the Eagles out.
In the second round of the playoffs, in an away game, they OBLITERATE the #1 seeded Atlanta Falcons.
And now, here we are with the NFC Championship. Yet another away game, and against the most familiar of familiar opponents: The Chicago Bears.
I will be somewhere in the DC area watching this game, eating my fingernails as I hope to GOD that my Packers get back to the Super Bowl.
Some of my friends and family don't understand my obsession with football- or sports, in general for that matter. To be perfectly honest, I don't either, and I don't really care.
Notice that in all the losses I detail above, they are described as "crushing" and "devastating"? When you are a fan of a team, no matter how pessimistic you are about what you are watching, the beautiful thing is that you always have hope for the next season. And yeah, when you are flying too high on optimism, reality checks can be painful/crushing/devastating. BUT, that sense of knowing that the next season is always a definable number of days away from what you are currently experiencing is a great feeling.
Didn't win a game this year? Don't worry, there's next season!
Got eliminated in the playoffs? Don't worry! Next year you'll take the next step!
Won the Super Bowl?! You're going to repeat next year!
Hope springs eternal, and while watching sports is ultimately a mix of entertainment and escapism from our own lives, I think that it instills a sense of optimism in countless people across the world.
A long time ago (last year), I occasionally pumped out a list of my favorite music of the moment, OR music from moments long ago that, in my opinion, has withstood the test of time.
In that same spirit, here are my favorite albums of 2010. Because everybody does a Top 10 list, I'm going to do a Top 8. I'm counting down the albums that I have most "played to death" over the course of the last 376 days, saving the best for last:
8. The Roots- How I Got Over
The Roots do not make bad albums. Ever. In life, you are guaranteed that you will pay taxes, die, and that the Roots will make good album after good album. This one is no exception.
7. Empire of the Sun- Walking on a Dream
These guys make some crazy ass videos. When I first heard them, I thought they were MGMT. They weren't. They are a little more catchy, and frankly, a little bit more enjoyable (though I do love MGMT). The chorus for the song below is SO DAMN CATCHY. I am not sure if I will ever get tired of this song. But anyway, in addition to the below video, you should check out the one for "Walking on a Dream" since it is equally wild. Unfortunately, there's no embed code for it...
6. Local Natives- Gorilla Manor
So if "Airplanes" isn't one of the best songs of this year, I don't know what is. I find it interesting that such a sad song can sound so happy... It's a mindfuck.
Luckily, the rest of the album is equally good, though it can be quite different. I saw these guys at the 9:30 Club here in DC and they were pretty solid!
5. Crystal Castles- Crystal Castles II
Crystal Castles are a bit polarizing. I happen to absolutely love them, but when I shared them with a friend (Hi Karl!) he looked at me as if to say "This is the worst shit I have ever heard!" To each their own I suppose. I listen to quite a bit of electronic-y stuff so I guess it makes sense that I dig this band. Their latest album is terrific if you are into this type of music! Like every other album on here, this one has been in constant rotation.
4. Kanye West- My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (and the 10 or so free songs he released prior to the album dropping)
Man! Kanye West is just such a fucking douchebag. But in spite of that, he continually cranks out SICK music! How is that?! I think it's because he knows that he's a douchebag, he knows that you hate that about him, and then he flaunts both those things. It's like some weird Jedi reverse psychology craziness.
As much as I didn't want to be a lemming and jump on the "Kanye's new album is so sweet!" bandwagon, I am firmly on board.
Not only is the album amazing, but he released 10 or so free songs before the album came out that were all REALLY GOOD. In my opinion, the best song that he released came out as a free download a few weeks prior to the album release. Maybe Kanye thought he needed to put out a bunch of free music to offset the intense negative karma he has from interrupting Taylor Swift and doing other douchey things. After listening to this song, I forgave him for all of his sins:
3. Big Boi- Sir Lucious Left Foot
My girlfriend can attest to this: I played this album to death. Usually in her presence, and usually the song "Tangerine."
Who can't get onboard with a song whose chorus is "Shake it like a tambourine!"?!?!?!?!?!
My girlfriend and I also argued about whether or not "Tangerine" was about a stripper. She said it was. I said it wasn't. But I knew it was. It was a fun argument to have until the line "All I could see was tears, pussy lips, and ass cheeks" played. At that point, she usually gave me a disapproving glance. And/or hit me. But it was my fault. She hits me because she loves me. Right? Right?!
Back to my point. Big Boi is 50% of Outkast. Outkast is infinitely awesome So by math, Big Boi is 50%*InfiniteAwesomeness. That is pretty awesome. If you don't have this album, I don't know why. Do you have it? No? Well then you're an idiot.
And this brings us to my top two albums of 2010! I've saved the best for last! Why? Because these two albums are FREE and they are INSANELY GOOD! It's fun party music and everybody should have it! It's required listening! The links to download them are below:
This album is a mashup of Major Lazer and La Roux. I think I've blogged about this before, but I'm too lazy to check. You just have to get it. It is free. There are no excuses. I lost track of how many times I've listened to this album.
Ahhh... finally. #1, and #1 for a fucking reason. This mixtape RULES. I got into A-Trak back when I was living in Baltimore. One of my roommates (Hi Matt!) went out to see him play at a local club, and came back with a mix CD (Dirty South Dance #1) that they had been giving out for free. I copied it, and fell in love with it. So naturally, I had to get my hands on the second one when it came out, and it does not disappoint. This mixtape is essentially a bunch of rap songs that you know, mixed with other songs that you probably don't know. Sound confusing? It's not really... What's important is that the end result is unfuckwithable. Again, it's free. So get a copy!
I thought I was better than this- I thought i was above it. But I'm not. I have a problem. I'm addicted to Gummy Bear Vitamins.
My addiction started innocently enough. My girlfriend keeps them next to her bed on the nightstand. It became a habit: Go to Liz's, and consume one gummy bear before bed. Great, right? Healthy? Certainly! Because not only was I getting blasted with Vitamin C, zinc, and echinacea, all of which contribute to physical health, but my mental health was improving as well, since one of the last images of my night was that of a cartoon bear giving me a reassuring thumbs up. It was like he was saying: "Stick with me, and you'll be right as rain!"
But then... the stranglehold of addiction began to take over. One gummy bear alone could not quench my thirst for vitamins.
I began to feel edgy. Liz would say: "Steve I swear to God if I have to go to the emergency room because my 27-year old boyfriend overdosed on gummy bear vitamins, I am going to be so embarrassed!"
To hell with her I said! Because after all- In my time of need, would she be there for me?! NO! BUT WOULD THE BEAR?! YES!
I tried to convince friends and family that I was okay...
They didn't get it!
"You guys don't get it! Vitamin deficiency is the real problem here. These help me fight vitamin deficiency! Because THAT WILL KILL yOU! YOUW NEEAD THE VIDTAMINS DONTO Y;;OU SEE?!?!?!@?L!@!"
I screamed that...
But they all just looked at me funny.
And so my condition has deteriorated.
Today has been particularly bad... Over the last 12 hours, I have had one of those days where you just KNOW that you are going to be sick for a week. And so when I got home, I ate about a quarter of my jar- because I need my Immune Support.
It's just another day in the life of an addict, and this is my plea for help, because I'm slipping.
Heroin is so passe, but gummy bear vitamins are postmodern.
