A Revised Holiday Schedule

Ladies and Gentlemen:

January 2nd through May 30th is the worst period of the year.

It's cold.  It's dark a lot.  And there are no holidays.  And let's face it.  A holiday is only a holiday if you're not working.

If you're lucky, you get MLK day off.  But unless you're a federal employee, this stretch of the year is a barren wasteland of shittiness.

From Office of Personnel Management... the red arrows indicate the days our slacker government gets off that most non-fed employees don't get...

Looking at the above schedule, it's clear to me what needs to be done:

1)  First, we need to make sure that MLK Day and Washington's Birthday are days that everybody get off-  Not just the Feds.  And while we're at it, give us non-federal workers  Columbus Day and Veterans Day off too.  I'm aware that there are non-Feds that get some or all of these four days off, but I feel like that's the exception and not the rule.  It needs to be the rule.  

Oh, and speaking of George, did you know that there is a Washington Monument in Baltimore City?

Here it is at night.  Also, if you drive up I83 north through the city, you can see it on your left.  He's holding a scroll or something but it looks like a giant penis.  Just saying...

2)  We need to create at least three more YOU-ABSOLUTELY-POSITIVELY-MUST-HAVE-THIS-DAY-OFF holidays.  As in... everything shuts down.  Everything.  Except liquor stores...  These holidays would be the equivalent of Christmas in that the overwhelming majority of America should get them off.  I want for the overwhelming majority of Americans to have the option of just sitting on their obese asses on these days.  Yes, some people may choose to be productive, but I would hope most of us just view these new holidays as an excuse to go out.

I would propose these three:

Groundhog Day would offer America a collective chance to just catch their breath.  Occurring on February 2nd, Americans will have just completed their first full month of work since October. And since it's always better to ease back into something, it makes perfect sense from a timing point of view to give everybody this day off.  Depending on what the American public thinks, I would be willing to swap Groundhog day for Super Bowl Sunday, but an American holiday based on a sporting event might be frowned upon by some people (Hi Liz!).

Valentine's Day.  The purpose of establishing Valentine's Day as an official holiday is two-fold.  First, it gives America a vacation from their recent vacation.  Did Groundhog Day wear you out?  Well throw your feet up and relax with your loved one(s, if you are Mormon or a swinger) on Valentine's Day.  Second, Valentine's Day as a real holiday would probably be good for the economy.  Yes, there would be a dip in overall GDP due to a one-day loss in overall production of goods and services.  But, I think this would be offset by heightened commercialism (buying of flowers, visiting restaurants, going out to bars) and a net increase in yearly productivity as a direct result of the additional day of rest.  

Earth Day.  Occurring on April 22nd, Earth Day would be the designated April holiday.  Yes, this overlaps with Easter, but Easter is not a holiday that everbody gets off.  Furthermore, while we might disagree on Jesus, we can't disagree that we are all members of PLANET EARTH.  AND FURTHERFURTHERMORE, I would say that Jesus would encourage the celebrating of Earth Day wholeheartedly given that his dad allegedly made it.  Isn't that how it went?  I don't know.  My religion knowledge is a little shaky.  

"Hello, I'm Jesus!  You may know me from such books as the BIBLE.  I'm here to tell you that when it comes to Earth Day, don't slack on your pimpin'."  

SO, with these modifications, we have added:

GROUNDHOG DAY or SUPER BOWL SUNDAY into February

VALENTINE'S DAY into February

EARTH DAY into April

Now I know I was only going to suggest three, but we need something for March.

While St. Patrick's Day is the obvious choice, I must confess that I hate St. Patrick's Day.  I think it goes back to the days of Elementary School when I was incessantly pinched for not wearing green.  The fuckers that used to do that have gone nowhere in their lives by the way.  I checked on Facebook.

So, for March, we will go with International Women's Day.  Women love women, and men love women, so why can't America step up to the plate like the rest of the world and acknowledge this great day?

And that concludes the revised holiday schedule.  While I don't expect any immediate changes, I take solace in the fact that Memorial Day is right around the corner!  SALVATION! 

Zombie Ants, and Soon, Zombie Humans

You may recall that I support the killing of zombies (December Zombies Post).

Well, shit just got real.

National Geographic is reporting that there are now zombie ants:  Zombie Ants

I'm telling you-  People, it's only only a matter of time before we have humans turning into zombies-  And we are going to need to be prepared.  Let's analyze, shall we?

Exhibit A is a zombie ant, courtesy of  National Geographic:

Downright disgusting and terrifying, in a 20/80 split.  Note that a "stalk of fungus" grows out of the ant's head, takes over its brain, and then ultimately kills the ant when it has reached a point where it can successfully and efficiently spread out its spores TO REPRODUCE.  Freaky shit, right?

Exhibit B is an image from the video game Resident Evil 5.  The basic plot of the game is that you control a character that must fight hordes of zombies.  And, the people have become zombies thanks to a potent mix of bad bad chemicals that were engineered by a dark pharmaceutical corporation.  But most importantly is that the zombie people in this game ALSO have "stalks" or tentacles growing out of their fucking heads!  There is a slight difference in that the stalk replaces their head in the game, but still:

So what am I getting at?

WELL, my point is that if ants are zombifying, THIS CAN SPREAD TO PEOPLE TOO.  Look at ebola.  First a monkey had it.  Then a person had it.  It's not beyond the realm of possibility.   Resident Evil 5 has provided us with a chilling glimpse of what the future could hold for all of us.

Now I imagine that a lot of you might laugh at this post.  "Hahaha- another stupid zombie post!"

You're an idiot.  What you should be doing is going to your local hardware store, and stocking up on chainsaws, axes, and hammers...  for when your shotguns run out of ammo and you've already turned that box of Franzia that you were never going to drink into a molotov box cocktail of death and destruction.  

Don't say I didn't give you ample warning.

2012

So I was at Safeway the other day.  It was a typical Safeway experience.  And by that I mean two criteria were fulfilled:  I only needed a couple items, and only one checkout aisle was open.  So, no matter how little you are getting, you are forced to stand in line.

To elaborate:

1)  I only needed a couple items.  I am that guy that makes frequent trips to the grocery store, but only buys a few things each time.  Carts annoy me (because one of the four wheels is usually paralyzed and frozen in one particular direction, thereby requiring you to DRAG the cart instead of STEERING it), and so I make sure I am never going to buy enough shit in one visit to require one.  This particular excursion called for Cheerios and Yogurt.  When mixed together, the two form a phenomenal, yet healthy snack.  Might I suggest using the following products:  Yoplait Apricot Mango, and Honey Nut Cheerios.  I have provided a picture of the yogurt below-  This way, if you attempt to make my phenomenal snack, you will know exactly what kind of yogurt to get:

 If you can't find Honey Nut Cheerios though, you are probably just stupid.  They are not hard-to-find like some of those crazy vegetables.  Just recently for example, my girlfriend named some mystery vegetable like ARUGULA?  ARUBALA?  ARUBA?  Whatever the hell it was, she just made a salad out of it...  I don't even know how you make a salad out of a country...

So... Apricot Mango is Yoplait's best flavor.  Hands down.  Try combining one "thing" (What do you call a container of yogurt other than a container?  It's not a pack, and it's not a can...  I feel like there's another word that needs to be used instead of container) of Apricot Mango with another "thing" of Blueberry Patch (also Yoplait).

2)  Once I had acquired my Honey Nut Cheerios and yogurt, I hit the checkout aisle... and shocker:  Only one aisle was open.  I am convinced that no matter what time you go to a Safeway, only one aisle will be open.  Sunday morning?  One aisle.  Super Bowl Sunday afternoon?   One aisle.  It's idiotic.  In fact, Safeway is so idiotic, that during one of the 2010 snowpocalypses, the employees just walked out and left the store open:  Wash. Post article about Safeway and Snowpocalypse

Okay.  So we've established it was a normal Safeway trip for me.  This fact has nothing to do with anything really.  I just wanted to talk about Cheerios and yogurt, and how it's idiotic that Safeway only has one checkout aisle open 99% of the time... because seriously, that's a pain in the ass.

The real gist of this post is that I saw something I found pretty ridiculous in the checkout aisle.

Do you know what that is?  I apologize for the shitty picture image, but the Droid phones all have shitty cameras compared to the iPhone.  But anyway, it is a Blu-Ray of the movie 2012, for the bargain price of $29.99.


What you probably can't see is the fine print at the bottom of the blu-ray which says that 2012 is "Phenomenal!  The Best Disaster Movie Ever!"  This praise came from Shawn Edwards of FOX TV.  Who?  Yeah- exactly!

After I did some research, I realized that Shawn Edwards is a "blurb whore."

As one YouTube commenter succinctly puts it:

Sony Pictures uses faux-Film Critics AKA "Blurb Whores" like Shawn Edwards, from Fox-4 TV in Kansas City, to sell their horrible films. Edwards is an embarrassment to KC and gives bad films good ratings to get his name in ads. There are MANY fake critics just like him that these studios use to pump crap like 2012. Edwards has the taste of a C-Average Middle School student and hates ANY film that has one iota of intelligence. That SONY PICTURES uses such deception in their ads is truly sad.


These people truly lead some lame lives, when the highlight of their day is scoring that big adjective to be used in the trailer for the next big disaster movie!

Watch the trailer, and you'll see Edwards' "PHENOMENAL!" smack you in the face!



So, is this movie good?  I mean... I'm guessing it's probably horrible.  Amazon tends to agree.  147/535 total reviews give the movie 1/5 stars.

Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

So please Safeway, please clear the trash out of your checkout aisles, and give me something worthwhile to look at the next time I'm trapped waiting to checkout with two items.  Oh and also, lower your damn prices.  Because you can get 2012 for only $11+ shipping on Amazon.

Five Books, and An Expanded View of Everything

I'm gainfully employed, and as such, work 50 hour weeks pretty consistently.  That said, I don't get a lot of time to read.  BUT, when I do, I prefer Dos Equis-  I mean, I have found that what I read has changed pretty drastically from my college days.  Over the past five years in the "real world," I have somehow developed a pretty intense interest in:

1)  Politics, in general

2)  The Middle East

Over the past couple years, I have read (or am in the process of reading) several books that have given me an expanded view of everything.

The books, and a lightning quick synopsis of each (as I interpret them) are below.  All of them are enormously pertinent to things going on right now in the US and the world.  I highly recommend each of the five if you are curious to know the back story behind all the garbage that typical media outlets put out:

1)  The Shock Doctrine (Naomi Klein)-  Powerful entities (usually governments) exploit times of turmoil (shock) to push forward agendas that in "normal times," they probably could not.  A quick example:  When the tsunami hit Indonesia years ago, a ton of people were displaced from the beaches where they had lived for all their lives.  When they tried to return, they found that they were not permitted to-  And the government was like:  "Yeah, sorry, it's better for us to turn this area into a sweet resort.  You are out of luck.  Now run along."

For a very TODAY (literally) example of it, check out this  NYT Article

2)  The Great Game (Peter Hopkirk)-  Long before the US botched its adventure in Afghanistan, Britain and Russia did too (in the 1800's when both had intense interests in India).  Britain and Russia's misadventures were incredibly well documented, so you would think the US would not make the exact same mistakes.  But we did.  This book highlights just how much we don't learn from history.  If the book sounds dry, it is NOT.  It is highly entertaining!  There's a lot of "Man vs Wild" type adventuring that gets told in it so it reads like a thriller... and yet you are learning!

3)  The Great War for Civilization (Robert Fisk)-  This book highlights atrocities that have been committed by a huge number of countries/empires/etc with, what I think is, little bias.  It says what a lot of other books/journalists/media outlets will not.  The primary focus is on the Middle East, analyzing the last 150 years.  

4)  Winner Take All Politics (Jacob Hacker, Paul Pierson)-  This book came out in the past year and highlights how much the top 1% (and top 0.1%) of American earners have left the "middle class" behind.  Basically, look at THIS.

5)  Imperial Life in the Emerald City-  This book highlights the total shitshow that went on in Iraq after the US occupied it.  A very frustrating read since it has so many examples of complete ineptitude.  

Shoes

So I'm going to get these shoes...

...because they are totally awesome.  

So there.

And already I can hear the haters crying:

"But where will you even wear those?!"

Uh...  to work.  To the grocery store.  Out on Friday nights.   Out on Saturday nights.  With a suit.  With jeans.  With my board shorts.  

You are stupid for even asking that question.  

Good day.

Yahoo News Says We're Going to Have a "Death Ray!"

Do you guys read Yahoo News?

I do.  I do at work.  When I take "breaks."  Because I am a firm believer that nobody can really work continuously (and productively) over the course of a day without taking a break.  And if you can, whoopdiefuckingdoo!  Find a new blog to read!  So yeah-  back to breaks.  When I take "breaks," my go-to website is YAHOO.com.  That's because:

1. I like to trade stocks and getting to their Finance stuff is easy from the front page, AND their Finance information is a pretty good summary of the information I'm looking for during a "break."
2. Their news page is absolute trash.  It's so trashy that I find it comical.  Below is a screenshot from today's Yahoo News page.

On any given day, you're likely to find one or two actual major news stories.  But the rest is just garbage!  For example, there is almost always a story like the above "Incredible play wins HS game."  If it's not an incredible play from a prep sports game, it's some faux pas that a professional athlete has committed.  Something like:  "Brett Favre Swears at Mississippi Waitress for Bad Service."  It's really not news, but they make it news.  Just like 95% of all other "news" providers these days.

Then, you have the dog show news story.  Who gives a shit?!  Does this need to be on the front page?  Really?!  

And then there's apparently video of an "Elderly Woman Severely Beaten."  Stay classy Yahoo!

I typically don't read all of these-  I kindof just glance at the headlines for the shock value to hit me.  You know, just like how you pick up a tabloid in the grocery store line and speed read 2% of it.

But today was anything but typical.

That's because our military is working on a GIANT FUCKING LASER BEAM!

Laser Beam Article

How awesome is this?!  I'll admit it.  I was one of those guys that said:  "Jesus Christ.  If we want to balance the budget and cut down our federal debt, let's just cut defense spending!  It's outrageous!  And it's wasteful!

But I stand corrected.  Any money spent on giant death rays is money well spent!  America is winning the future at the speed of LIGHT.   LASER BEAM LIGHT.  

A Robust Analysis of OMG by Usher

I am a music elitist.  And as such, I find deeper meanings in songs than you do.  Just this once, i will share with you the "song" behind the song of my favorite song:


OMG ( Feat Will.I.Am ) Lyrics

[Will.I.Am]
Oh myy gosh


Here, Will.I.Am is amazed.  He's totally stunned and captivated by something.  But what is it?!  You don't know just yet.  That's why you need to keep listening!  It's a "hook" if you will, to reel you in to the rest of the song!  

[Usher:]
Baby let me…

Okay, so here, Usher is throwing in a "hook" of his own.  "Baby let me..."  You can almost hear the ellipsis in the song.  That's how talented of a vocalist Usher is.  You hear the punctuation in his songs!  I don't know of anyone else like this...  But what does Usher want his baby to let him do?!  

[Will.I.Am]
I did it again, so I’m gonna let the beat drop
Oh myy gosh


Will.I.Am continues his "hook."  What did he do again?!  And why has doing it again led to him letting the beat drop?  He's stunned and amazed that his repeated action has caused him to let the beat drop.

[Chorus]
Baby let me love you downnn


Usher finishes his "hook."  The ellipsis is no more.  He wants his baby to let him love it down.  I say "it" here because at this point in the song, we as listeners are still unsure as to the subject of the song.  Is it a woman?  A man?  A rhinoceros?  This is why I love Usher.  Only after careful listens can you discern what he is getting at.  

There’s so many ways to love ya


Usher states a plain fact-  Whatever the object of his affection, there are many ways he feels he can love it.  

Baby I can break you downnn
There’s so many ways to love ya
Got me like, ooh myy gosh I’m soo in love
I found you finallyy, you make me want to say
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Ohh myy gosh


The object of Usher's affection makes him want to say "OH" repeatedly, before concluding "Oh my gosh."  It is important to note that Usher says "oh" here sixteen times.  This is important, because past sixteen, the "oh"s will have diminishing returns.  But by repeating "oh" sixteen times before concluding with "Ohh myy gosh," Usher extracts every ounce of power from the word.  Anything less than sixteen, and the song would not have the same power.  Note also, that Usher has said that there are "so many ways to love ya."  Kindof like how there are so many oh-s in the song, right?!  This kind of wordcraft wizardry is truly unique in this day and age.

You make me want to say

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, You make me wanna say, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh My goshh

[Verse 1]
I fell in love with shawty when I seen her on the dance floor


What has Usher seen on the dance floor?  Yes, it's a shawty.  And yes, it's female.  But is it human?  Or is it alien?  Or is it maybe a alien-human hybrid?

She was dancing sexy, pop, pop, popping, dropping, dropping low
Never ever has a lady hit me on the first sight


Only here do we finally know the subject of this song!  It's a lady-  and I guess we must assume that it is a human lady!  It's very clever how Usher waits until the 1:08 mark to reveal this in the song.  I think that the strategy behind that is a metaphor in itself-  Just like how Usher waits for almost 25% of the song to pass before revealing the song's subject, we wait at least 25% of our lives before we have a sense of direction-  a sense of purpose.  And some of us don't even have it at that point.  It all goes to show what a philosopher Usher is.  

This was something special; this was just like dynamite


Here, Usher is telling us something about him. His experience with a shawty lady is "just like dynamite."  But how would he know this?!  The answer is clear.  Usher is an explosives expert, and physicist.  Who else but a physicist could judge the force of a shawty lady compared to the force of dynamite?


Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow
Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow



These two lines are genius.  By using such colloquial language, Usher is saying to his audience that he is just like one of them.  But not quite!  He dances better than all of us!  Duh!  


Girl you know I’m loving your, loving your style
Check, check, check, check, check, checking you out like,
Ooh (oooh) she got it allll


Usher loves the lady's style, and is checking her out.  This much is clear.  But a style is a manner of presentation that encompasses many things besides physical appearance.  I believe that these lines pertain to Usher evaluating the lady while engaged in conversation.  

Sexy from her head to the toes
And I want it all, it all, it all


Following thoroughly evaluating the lady's personality through conversation, Usher has moved on to physical appearance.  He finds the lady sexy and is consumed by attraction.  That is why he repeats "all" multiple times.  

[Chorus]
Baby let me love you downnn
There’s so many ways to love ya
Baby I can break you downnn
There’s so many ways to love ya
Got me like, ooh myy gosh I’m soo in love
I found you finallyy, it make me want to say
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Ohh myy gosh

You make me want to say (2x)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[Verse 2]
Feel so hot for honey out of all the girls up in this club
This one got me whipped, just off one look, yep I fell in love
This one something special, this one just like dynamite,
out of sight


The first three lines of Verse 2 support the first three lines of Verse 1.  Again, Usher places emphasis on just how special the honey in the club is.  

Fell in love with honey like my, oh my
Honey looking wonderful; fly, so fly
Honey like a supermodel; my, oh my
Baby how you do that, make a grown man cry?


In this part of the verse, Usher uses two powerful metaphors.  His honey is a)  like "my, oh my" and b) like a supermodel.  Both metaphors tie back into the consistent theme throughout the song that the honey/shawty/lady is truly extraordinary.  


From here, the song repeats its chorus and most important portions to close it out:

Ooh (oooh) baby, you got it alll
Sexy from her head to the toes
And I want it all, it all, it all

[Chorus]
So, honey let me love you downnn
There’s so many ways to love ya
Baby I can break it downnn
There’s so many ways to love ya
Got me like, ooh myy gosh I’m soo in love I found you finallyy,
You make me want to say…
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Oh my gosh

So that was the chorus, and now the song concludes with powerful verbage...

Oh my gosh
oh my
oh my
oh, oh my gosh
oh myy gosh

[Will.I.Am]
Oh myy gosh
I did it again
So I’m gone let the beat drop

... and Will.I.Am appearing again.  Notice that we still do not know what Will.I.Am has done again.  This is in stark contrast to Usher's portion of the song.  While Usher carefully reveals his love for the honey in the club over the course of the song, Will.I.Am remains cloaked in mystery.  In a way, this mysterious Will.I.Am appearance at the end is much like the closing to Inception.  You don't truly understand it, but you go along with it.  Why?  Because you know he's going to let the beat drop.

[Usher]x3
Oh, oh, oh myy
Oh, oh, oh my, my, my, my, my, my
Ooh my gosh oh, oh


I hope after reading this post, you open your ears and your mind to the meaning behind the meanings in songs. While not everybody "gets" music, with enough listening, I am confident that you can.