Jesus Christ, Scientist

As my girlfriend and I walked back from a filling brunch this weekend, we had to walk past my least favorite building in DC.

Behold.  This grimy, dirty... thing... is actually "Third Church of Christ, Scientist."

To which I said:  "Wait... Wasn't Christ a carpenter?"  Turns out he was a scientist too I guess, or at least according to the "Church of Christ, Scientist (Wikipedia)"

Anyway, the building sucks, and the name of the church is weird.

The building looks like Robocop's head, right?!  Right?!  AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?

I don't know about you, but I think it's weird that a CHURCH designed their building around a law enforcing cyborg's head?  Is this some symbol?  Does this church believe that there will be an ultimate day of reckoning where Robo Cop purges society of sinners?  Does the church extend 50 stories underground, forming a GIANT Robo Cop that will rise and do the purging?!  You may think that what I just typed sounds crazy, but when things like this exist, is it REALLY out of the realm of possibility?  This Church is actually real.  It's in Ohio (obviously).  You can see it when you drive down I-75.  When I first saw it I screamed: "Jesus!"  Except it wasn't because I actually saw Jesus, it was me using his name in vain.  Thus, when I get to the gates of heaven, let the record show that I was a profane man, but honest.  

Let's research more.

Hmm...  Interesting seal guys.  So you want to:

1)  Heal the Sick

2)  Raise the Dead (ZOMBIES WTF?!?!?!)

3)  Cleanse the Lepers

4)  Cast out Demons

I can get behind all of those goals except for #2... and I would prefer not to touch lepers.  Cleansing the lepers seems like a low-paying, non-fulfilling job.  But then again, there is 9.X% unemployment.  Leper cleansing could generate the jobs we need!  But getting back to #2...  America has zombie fever right now.  People talk about zombies all the time thinking that its all just fun and games.  But is it fun and games when there are groups actively trying to raise the dead?  

That's fucked up.  And should they succeed anytime soon, I'm going to make sure I have shotguns loaded and ready (Disclaimer:  Last I checked,  possession of firearms  within the District is either illegal or highly restricted- I'm guessing I would have to store them in safes at my parents' residence in Virginia, a short 15 minute drive from my home. Which means, if the dead are raised, I'll have to get from DC to Virginia with only my brains, brawn, and above average agility.)

Anyway, I was thinking that I could start a Church of my own soon...  Here are some ideas I was tossing around in my head:

• Church of Christ, Esq. (the seal would be Jesus wielding a gavel)
• Church of Christ, Marine Biologist (the seal would be Jesus riding a dolphin)

Okay, those were the only two I had.  

But when I think back on it, I once saw a picture of Jesus Christ riding a dinosaur on a friend's blog, and "Church of Christ, Dinosaur Rider" has the best ring to it, the best "seal imagery" (see below), and the best marketing/advertising/and-most-importantly-selling power.

Corporate Theorem

Many of you may not know, but I dabble in philosophy and the pursuit of universal truths. 

Because of this, I often develop theorems that help explain particular phenomena.

Here is one that I believe has been proven time and time again that pertains to office computer literacy:

There is an inverse relationship between employee age, and understanding of the REPLY-TO-ALL e-mail option.

More and more often, it seems like the older an employee is, the higher their likelihood of sending out some pointless jibberish to an entire office (or corporation).

I think this problem rears its head worst around the holidays.  Inevitably, what happens is that one of the people from our Corporate Office (let's call her Janet) will send out an email to ALL USERS (quite literally, all users of email in our 20-some branches, encompassing 1000+ employees) saying "Happy Holidays Everybody!  blahblahblahblahblah."  Then, all hell breaks loose, because an avalanche of responses begins.  Here's the kind of bullshit that can be expected in "replies-to-all," and my thoughts about the responses.

1 minute later:
Jack, the Corporate VP out of Chicago will reply (to all):
"Hey thanks Janet!  Happy Holidays to all of you too!  Be safe"
(I think:  "Oh sweet Jesus.  It begins.  Fuck you Jack.  Seriously.")

1 1/4 minutes later:
George, the warehouse manager from Hartford replies (to all):
"Thanks."
(I think:  "Thank you George for your enlightened response.  I had not considered your perspective.  I'm going to stab out my eyes now.")

1 3/4 minutes later:
Eric, from Tampa replies (to all):
"Oh you too Janet!  Have fun all you Northerners!  Enjoy your snow!  It's 75 here!  I'm taking the family down to the beach."
(I think:  "Eric.  May the crystal waters surrounding Florida be infested with sharks and box jellyfish.  May the waters be infected with oil just as your pointless response has infected my Outlook.")  

2 minutes later:
Brendan, Project Manager from St. Paul replies (to all):
"Thanks for that Eric.  It's 20 here and miserable."
(I think:  "Brendan man!  Thanks for the dose of sarcasm to lay out Eric the Dick, but let's just stop this nonsense.  You're just feeding the fire.")



5 Minutes Later:  
Jan, from Corporate, replies (to all):
"Oh Eric know need to bring the grinch out!"
(I think:  "God Jan.  Learn to spell.  It's evident nobody is doing any work.  I'm getting the fuck out of here.")


And so it continues.  On average, I would anticipate that emails of the "Happy Holidays" nature generate an average of 15 or so totally useless emails.  Generally, 99% of all of these horrible reply-to-alls come from men.  Whether this is because old men are totally computer illiterate, or because I work in construction which is 95% men, I don't know.  I just report the facts as I get them.

But unfortunately, misuse of the "reply-to-all" feature does not just occur with holiday messages.  It happens on a daily basis.  It's not at all uncommon to be copied on the back and forth of two people (out of 10 or so) that are trying to line up a meeting... Now I understand being copied on the correspondence if I need to attend this particular meeting, but that is generally not the case.  Typically, maybe 3/10 people on the original email are "required attendees."  Therefore, the remaining 7 people probably don't need to get 10 new Inbox messages consisting of:

Attendee #1:  "Okay great, it looks like it's just going to be the three of us"
Attendee #2:  "Awesome, where do you want to have the meeting?"
Attendee #3:  "How about the blue room on the 4th floor?"
Attendee #1:  "Can't.  Joseph is using it for a proposal review."
Attendee #2:  "That fucking guy."
Attendee #3:  "Who?   Joseph?  He's not that bad."
Attendee #2:  "Fuck Joseph, let's go to Five Guys."
Attendee #1:  "gotta get there before 11:30 AM or else its too crowded."
Attendee #2:  "K.  Done.  5 guys at 11:15."
Attendee #1:  "Thanks everybody see you there"

So people.  What I would like you to take away from this blog post is the following:

WHEN I DECIDE TO REPLY-TO-ALL, IT IS FUNNY, AND SHOULD BE APPRECIATED.  BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, IT'S JUST NOT COOL.  

Because YOU are probably the one who pours salt into my wound by replying-to-all:

Attendee #2:  "hey guys wait. which 5 guys?  the one by the mall or the one off 95?"

Favorite Music Videos of Lately

I've been extremely busy not blogging lately.

Here are some of my favorite music videos of "lately" that I've come across.  "Lately" encompasses a period of roughly... I dunno... how long has it been since I last posted about music videos?  But you know what?  These videos are all pretty sweet.  They are required viewing.  And that makes the name of this blog ironic... because I advocate that there is nothing to see here, and yet there is.  This blog is a contradiction of everything you and I have ever known.  It defies the space time continuum.  I don't even know what that means.  Just prepare for your mind to be blown.

The Avalanches- "Since I Left You"

This album has actually been one of my favorite albums since it first came out.   And that was in 2000.  You were probably freaking out about Y2K back then.  But while you were freaking about Y2K, this album dropped, and it was/is awesome.  And then, 10 or so years after the album release, I noticed this video.  And the video's awesome too.  It's very "feel-good."



Is Tropical - The Greeks

This video is BALLER.  It is a video LIKE A BOSS.  What am I even watching?!  It's like a short film of kids re-enacting some ridiculously baddass blend of "Heat," "Scarface," and every other violent movie about drugs and gangs ever made.  I love the drug lab in the video.  It's professional.


IS TROPICAL - THE GREEKS (official music video) from EL NINO on Vimeo.


Raekwon - "House of Flying Daggers"

So during the time I've spent not blogging, I've listened to a LOT of Raekwon and Ghostface Killah.  Between the two of them, I think I have like 10 of their albums.  That's impressive, because I can't think of many rappers that have more than 1 or 2 good albums.  Anyway, in true Wu-Tang style, these guys love kung-fu, and I love kung-fu.  Hence, I love this video:

A New Case of the Mondays

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Everybody remembers these lines.  Because everybody knows Office Space.  Or, at least I thought everybody knew Office Space.  Recently, the culmination of six years in a unique work environment have led me to suggest the following rules for the workplace.

1)  The "Unfiltered Positivity Rule."  Henceforth, individual employees shall not exude sickening amounts of positivity in an effort to counteract general majority feelings of cynicism and pessimism.

Example:
I come in to work everyday and am typically between 6.3-8/10 on what I will call the "positivity scale", which I feel is pretty decent for the existing gloomy economic climate.  And yet, when I come in, I more often than not encounter an employee who I will call "Bob."  When I see Bob, I have to say hello-  if I don't, Lord knows he will be offended.  And so I play the game, and don't really have a problem with it.  But after I say "Hey Bob how's it going man?!,"  it's his response that pains me.

Inevitably he responds with something like:  "Oh you know me!  Even on my worst day I'm better than you on your best day!"  Really?!  Lawrence, can you say shit like that?

If Bob told me he were doing great, and left it at that, that's one thing.  But his "unfiltered (and excessive) positivity" offends me and frankly makes me think that there is something wrong with him.   I should note that Bob does this with everybody and I am not alone in my feelings about it.

We also used to have another guy who when you asked how he was doing, would respond:  "Too blessed to be stressed my brotha."  This was always a touch ironic because he had a reputation for not really working all that hard.

Where do these people come from?!

2)  Do not tell employees they are lucky to be overworked, because at least they are employed.  I get it.  We are in a bad economy.  There is just under 10% unemployment and those of us who have jobs are lucky.  BUT, for those of in the private sector, it is more often the rule than the exception that in order to navigate these challenging times, companies cost cut.  And they typically cost cut by cutting people.  And the same workload that 10 people used to share is now split among 7 people.  And so while the 7 people are lucky to still be employed, they are doing a lot more, and getting compensated the same (or less).  When one's workload dramatically increases, I think it is natural for them to occasionally vent.

The other day, I was venting.  Things had come to a tipping point, and I was having a moment of insanity.  And as I vented, someone said to me:  "Well, it's better than the alternative right?  I mean... it's better to have too much work than being unemployed right?  I mean, at least we have jobs."

Okay.  Thanks, I get it.  But what you just said to me does NOT make me feel better.

When someone tells you they have cancer, do you respond "Well... at least you're alive, right?  At least it's not ebola.  That shit will kill you even faster."  ?

In a lot of way, this rule ties into #1.  In companies' quests to improve employee morale in these nasty times, they are doing and saying the most ridiculous things.  They are willing to try and do everything and anything EXCEPT admit the reality of the situation.  Honesty always wins out, and I think I would prefer to hear:  "Look.  Shit really is awful right now.  But we're going to get through it, things will improve, and we appreciate  you sticking it out with us."

You want to fix your office environment?  It's simple.  Send out an Outlook Invite to your employees.  12:00 PM Friday, free up your schedule because lunch is on the company.  We'll congregate in the Conference room, we're going to put Office Space up on the projector, and work's out for the week when it culminates.  And from there, we're going to Happy Hour where you first few drinks are on us.