The Dentist

You cannot possibly fathom how much I hate dentists.  That said, I have my regularly scheduled dental appointment tomorrow.  It'll go something like this:

1.  I show up 15 minutes early.  My appointment is at 2:50 PM, so I'll get there at 2:35 PM.  

2.  Sitting in the lobby, I'll pick up a magazine.  It will inevitably be ultra-outdated.  

"Sweet...  Sports Illustrated from August 2010.  Why the fuck do I want to read an NFL preview when the season is down to its last two weeks?  Let me try this other one instead.  No shit...  We've put a man on the moon."

3.  I will get called for my time in the chair at approximately 3:00 PM.  Why tell someone 2:50 PM when you won't be ready until 3:00 PM?  My time is precious, and the late start will just further frustrate me.

4.  The Dental Sidekick will seat me.  She'll make small talk with me and ask me how high school is going until I interject that I am a working man, and have had a full time job for five years... which I got AFTER I graduated from college...  which took four years. I get it.  I look young, but damn, this sidekick must have the worst memory ever because this scene plays out EVERY TIME I have an appointment.

5.  And, here we go.  It's not even 5 minutes into my checkup before the Dental Sickle comes out.  Wait, you DON'T know what this is?  

Quite frankly, I'm not sure why we ever waterboarded people.  Simulated drowning is a walk in the park next to getting your gums embroidered with these things.

6.  The Dental Sidekick will then proceed to drag her sickle of death over every square inch of my teeth.  The noise the scraping makes will drive me crazy, and I will be gripping the chair's arms like there's no tomorrow as I wait for the next time she drives the point of the fucking thing into my gums.  

7.  After the sidekick is done poking and prodding and carving my mouth up with her sickle, she'll inform me that it's time to polish my teeth.  I will then be offered various flavors of polish, all of which taste like shit.  I will opt for mint because it is the most bearable of the unbearable choices.  The teeth polishing is maybe the worst part of the entire appointment.  I never quite understood why, but the hygienist will try to polish as many teeth as possible until I start to gag on the awful shit.  Then, and ONLY then  will they offer the "water/air-vacuum" combo to deliver some momentary salvation from the suffocation.  And then it's back to the polishing... 

I will have an identical snarl during the polishing process.

8.  When the polishing finally ends, it's sickle time again.  But this time, it's the actual dentist who plays with the sickle.  He is a bit more sadistic with the damn thing then his sidekick, and I focus a death stare on him the entire time-  My eyes will convey unfathomable consequences should he make one false move with his sickle.  Nevertheless, the guy's going to go to town on my teeth.

Asshole.

9.  After the Dentist is done, he and his sidekick will conference, and then they'll talk to me together.  

Dentist:  "Steven, we noticed you STILL have not gotten your wisdom teeth removed?  You really should do that.  Are you waiting for something in particular?"

Me:  "Yes-  I'm waiting until technology exists where you can vaporize them out in lieu of carving me up like a cow."

What I'll probably say though is:  "Well, I haven't had time."

I haven't had time to do this in five years.  I'm tremendously busy.  

10.  One last thing to do before I can get the hell out of the Dentist's office.  X-Rays.  Can't they just let me go?!  I'm already annoyed and frustrated, and my mouth is throbbing like a strobe light flashes.  Shouldn't they know better?  Don't they read comic books?!  You DON'T put an angry person and radiation together.  The minute those sweet rays hit me, STEVE... MIGHT ... JUST GO ... MAD.

You really just don't know how much I hate the dentist...

Zombies

I've got this thing for zombies.  Not like... a sexual  thing, but a "thing" as in like... I think zombies are awesome.  And, by "zombies are awesome," I don't so much mean that they are really in fact awesome, but that um... if a zombie plague somehow breaks out and I am fighting for survival, you better believe that with my kung fu skills (I'm a green and white belt, and continually improving), and mean handling of a shovel (or other weapon), watching me inflict a world of pain onto these undead abominations is going to be an awesome spectacle.

Okay- so zombies themselves aren't awesome, but killing them is awesome.  This statement is probably the one universal truth in the world.  EVERYONE can agree that zombies should be killed.  Are you Republican and do you hate Democrats?  Or are you a Democrat and you hate Republicans?  Or do you not care about politics?  It doesn't even matter.  Race, gender, political leanings all go out the window when the zombies come  because its "kill, or be killed."

But anyway- back to the topic at hand.  I have a thing for zombies.  I own books about zombies, watch movies about zombies, play video games involving zombies, but I have taken my fascination with the living dead to a new level:

I bought a zombie board game.  Now you may say:  "Steve, I didn't know you were down with that nerdy Dungeons and Dragons shit."  And to that I say:  Sorry asshole-  the zombie premise of the game overrules any potential nerdiness, and instantly makes everybody playing the game AWESOME.

So I haven't played the game yet- But it is for 2-6 players.  Best I can tell, there are up to four "heroes" and one to two players play as the zombies.  The heroes try to survive or kill the zombies, and the zombies I guess try to eat the heroes' brains.  I am getting really hyper writing about this game.  It just... has so much POTENTIAL!

Anyway, I think the trial run of this game is going to take place this weekend-  and it's probably going to involve a lot of beer.  And if the rules are too complicated, I'm pretty sure we are just going to disintegrate into a bunch of drunk assholes throwing plastic zombie figurines at each other.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

And before you ask, yes, I bought the "Growing Hunger" expansion pack for the game as well.

While we're on the topic of zombies, have any of you guys seen the movie Dead Snow?  It's a Norwegian horror movie.  After watching the preview, I immediately ordered the DVD... except the fucker is region-locked so I'm stuck with a foreign DVD of a Nazi Zombie flick.  Not to be deterred though, I have just place an order for the Region 1 version of the movie on Amazon.  I'm either an idiot, or brilliant beyond recognition.

Balance Bars

I love Balance Bars.  Or... I did.

My favorite kind are Chocolate Mint Cookie Crunch.

Unfortunately, I've had a tough time finding this flavor lately.  So, the other day at Target, I just kindof threw some boxes of Balance Bars into my basket.  All I knew is that they weren't Chocolate Mint Cookie Crunch- but whatever, I'd give Balance a shot given their impeccable track record thus far.

So I get home and take a closer look at the box, and they are...

Caramel Nut Blast

Ummmm....  really?!  I have to imagine some one at the Balance Marketing Department got canned for approving a flavor with the words "NUT BLAST" in it.  And how did the meetings go to decide on this flavor:

Marketing Exec:  "Caramel nut just doesn't capture the flavor explosion you get with these... And besides, the youth these days are so into things that are extreme.  We need to add something at the end that captures the explosion.  Can we just add 'explosion?' "

20 year old Intern:  "Nah- explosion is too many syllables."

Marketing Exec:  "How about 'blast' then?  Caramel Nut Blast?"

20 year old Intern:  (Snickers)  "Yes!  (Snickers)  That's it (Snickers) boss!"

(20 year old Intern goes out and parties that night and tells all his friends about how his idiot boss is naming a flavor CARAMEL NUT BLAST)

Anyway...  these bars are awful... and my search for Chocolate Mint Cookie Crunch continues... If you find any, please get them for me and I will pay you back!

Recombobulation

This is a post about discombobulation.

Dict.org (the best dictionary website EVER) says that discombobulation is a "feeling of embarrassment that leaves you confused."

This sign is at Milwaukee's airport.  I took a nice leisurely stroll under it as I cleared through security at 4:45 AM the Sunday after Thanksgiving. The "Recombobulation Area" is very aptly named because ever since 9/11, I feel totally lost when I have to separate my entire life into a series of plastic bins:

Bin 1:  Belt and shoes and assorted things from pockets (lint, coins, chapstick, miscellaneous receipts, oh and sweet, I just found a $5 bill I didn't know I had!)

Bin 2:  Laptop and case

Bin 3:  Jacket

Bin 4:  Backpack

Bin 5:  Liquids and gels

I know five bins is a lot but I had one particular experience where a TSA agent from hell had a major bin fetish in addition to the fact that he was one of those "holier than thou" people.  He actually directed me to roll my belt up "like a snake" because it was at risk of "snagging the machine."  Now this for some reason enraged me, and i thought:  WHAT.  AN.  ASSHOLE.  It doesn't matter how my belt is oriented in a bin as long as it's in the goddamn thing!  It's an inanimate object that is not going to suddenly come alive, hellbent on bringing the gears of the x-ray machine to a grinding halt!  

Now.  If I had a candlestick, clock, or tea kettle, I would understand his concern.  That shit does come alive-  and with attitude.  But, we were talking about a belt.  

Going through security these days really makes you aware of just how much shit we all are carrying on ourselves!  This most recent time in Milwaukee I felt like Link.  You know how it is.  You get your boomerang, shield, sword, hookshot, some fairies, etc.  Where does it all go?  You don't even know- but you DO know that it just "works."

Don't know who created this image originally, but... AWESOME.

So as I packed up my belongings (I did not have a bomb of course.  But I did have my ocaraina.),  I saw the sign.  I found it funny, and as it turns out, the "Recombobulation Area" was intended to be a joke (Article from 2008).   Good job Milwaukee!  

2018 and 2022 World Cup Preview!

I don't know about you, but boy am I excited for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups in Russia and Qatar!  I know a lot of you are saying:  "What the fuck is in EITHER of those two countries that makes them hot destinations for arguably the biggest sporting event on the planet?"  Well, let me crack an egg of knowledge open for you.

Let's start with Russia.  What does Russia have that makes it a top choice for the World Cup?  Let's take a look at it:

The Case for Russia in 2018

-Vodka:  With the copious amounts of vodka available in Russia, will this be a commonplace occurrence?  God I hope so!

-Eskimos!  Everywhere!  It will be exciting to watch the world's stars (AND their fans) all bundled up to cope with the subzero temperatures of the cold siberian wasteland that is 99.8% of Russia (geographic fact).  Here is Andrei Arshavin who plays for Arsenal.  In this picture he is donning Russian Summer Attire. 

When the World Cup starts, he'll need something more on the order of this... because Russia is permanently subzero.  You know, one of those places where you can spit and it will freeze and then shatter as it hits the ground-  It's like that ALL THE TIME.

-Polar Bears:  Because Russia is so damn cold, there are frequent polar bear sightings.  They wander the streets (AND SOCCER STADIUMS!), always on the lookout for their next meal.   When the World Cup starts, the polar bears will descend upon the stadium for a feast of epic proportions.  You'll say "Shit!  Am I watching a Gladiator fight to the death or a soccer match?!" when the players begin fighting for their lives against their enentual devour-ers (is this even a word?). 

I fully expect the following color commentary:

"Christiano Ronaldo lines up for a free kick.  This is WELL within his rang-  oh... oh my word!  A polar bear has just sprinted onto the pitch and mauled Ronaldo!  That is surely a red card offence!  Oh no!  Oh my goodness!  There's no foul!  The ref is saying that Ronaldo has dived!  




-Nuclear Weapons:  With any luck, one of Russia's cold war nukes will leak some sweet radioactive substance onto the playing field and mutate the world's soccer stars into freak superhero players that elevate their game to unheard of levels.  After all, it was radiation that created Spider Man, the Hulk, AND Lionel Messi, child of the atom.  There is probably a 40% chance of this happening, but that is still high enough to hope for it.

Messi:  Most Definitely Born in a Radioactive Stew of Awesomeness

-Lethal Suppression of Annoying Journalists:  Russia has a "funny" media in that journalists seem to get got every now and then-  more frequently than not!  That said, we will all get to look forward to a bitch-free World Cup!  Publicly complain about a ref's decision in a match, and you just may find yourself in an ex-KGB torture chamber deep below Moscow. 

-General Villainy:  Did you ever notice that Russia has, by far, has the greatest per capita concentration of James Bond villains on Planet Earth.  Here are a few for example:

 

This will make things incredibly exciting, and hopefully FIFA will plan to have all of them in attendance at high-profile game. It will be like a trip to DisneyWorld except instead of being able to take pictures of with Mickey, Pluto, and Goofy, you get to take them with all of the people who have tried to eliminate Britain's top secret agent.  If not all the villains can make the games, hopefully they just pick the first one and a lot of her friends.

Oh and by the way-  the villains in Russia aren't limited to just actors.   Even Russia's top government figures look like Bond Villains!    Amazing!

In conclusion, with Russia's potent cocktail of alcohol, the cold, polar bears, nuclear weapons, limited freedom of speech in the press, and general villainy, how can World Cup 2018 be anything less than marvelous?

Join us next week as we analyze World Cup 2022 in Qatar-  a country which commits the cardinal sin of Q-Words:  THERE IS NO "U" AFTER THE "Q."

Bachelor Meal #2

When you read Bachelor Meal #1, was your mind blown?  

Was it blown due to the complexity of the recipe and the directions?  

Whenever my girlfriend tries to teach me how to cook something, my brain just sees and hears the equivalent of this:

So if Bachelor Meal #1 was too much for you, fear not.   Bachelor Meal #2 is remarkable in its simplicity, and fantasticness.  Are you ready?!  

BEHOLD!  

Bachelor Meal #2:  Fake Chicken Patties!

 PART 1:  CRUCIAL INGREDIENTS:

1.  Buns

2.  Ketchup-  Heinz only please. 

3.  Quorn Chicken Patties-  These things are fucking awesome.  Quorn really has a monopoly on the fake chicken market, and I encourage you to check them out.

I know what you are thinking.  ANOTHER "fake meat" product?!  I know I know-  What am I?  Some kind of animal loving vegan hippie scumbag?  I wouldn't go that far-  I just realized that making things with fake meat is sweet because you don't get penalized if you accidentally undercook your meal.  Because-  make no mistake about it-  If I used real meat in a meal, I would find a way to fuck it up and food poison myself and whoever else I am cooking for.                                   

Honey!  Dinner's Ready!  Do you think it's done???

                                                                                                                                                                                                

Anyway, I just don't even know what else to say about these chicken patties.  Do they cook quickly?  Check.  Do they taste like real chicken?  Check.  Is undercooking them a risk?  No.

PART 2:  MAKING AN EDIBLE CREATION

1. Throw the chicken patties in the oven.  Let them cook for 15 minutes or so.
2. Take chicken patties out of the oven.
3. Place chicken patties on buns.
4. Use approximately 1 L of ketchup per bun.
5. Devour

And there you have it.  A wonderfully quick tasty meal.  I meant to take pictures of the final patty but I forgot and ate everything instead.

Be sure to watch for an upcoming post on the correct milk:cereal ratio that you should be employing for maximum enjoyment of your Cocoa Puffs, etc.  

Another future post will discuss turtle soup.  Mmmm... delicacies.