Bachelor Meal #1

Hello, and welcome to a new feature of my blog called "Cooking with Steve."  Like 98% of all new features that are introduced in this blog, this will probably be a one time occasion.  This is to keep with the theme of zero thematic consistency.

Today, I am going to show all you readers how to make the best pasta dish ever.  It will blow your fucking mind.  And then some.

Okay, so what do you need to make the best pasta dish ever?  You need the following:

PART 1:  CRUCIAL INGREDIENTS

So... what do we have here?  We have:

1. Mom's Spaghetti Sauce-  It has to be Mom's.  If you try to use some $2.99 jar of pasta sauce from Safway or Giant, you will feel the sting of failure.
2. Gimme Lean-  This is fake meat.  I largely stopped eating real meat when I dated a vegetarian for a while.  Since then (for like the past several years), I have been buying this stuff, and have been made fun of relentlessly for it.  Old roommates of mine called it "Monkey Meat."  If you use real meat, you will feel the sting of failure.
3. Real Cheese (see below)- I used to just use Kraft parmesan cheese for the best pasta dish ever.  Then, my girlfriend made me use real cheese once.  At first, I was skeptical, but am now convinced that it is better with real cheese. The sting of failure awaits those who choose to use the Kraft or "prepackaged" Parmesan.  
4. Pasta (I use green pasta because... it is green... and spinachy... which is kindof cool)
5. Cayenne- Spice up your life.

WARNING!

Be sure to use a cheese grater with the cheese.  I used to use a knife once, and I nearly sliced my damn finger off.  Cheese is a deceptively strong opponent, and a grater will make life easier.  This is the grater that i suggest:

Right.  So... behold the most badass grater ever.  Note that it has a little cheese catcher at the end that will store the cheese you slice and dice.  Unbelievable.

PART 2:  MAKING AN EDIBLE CREATION

Step 1:  Open the Gimme Lean, and dump it into a pan.  It will look like this:

BE SURE NOT TO JUDGE THIS BOOK BY ITS COVER.  YES, IT LOOKS A LITTLE STRANGE.  YOUR TASTE BUDS ARE ABOUT TO BE OVERWHELMED WITH EXCELLENCE THOUGH...

OKAY OKAY... SORRY-  QUICK SIDE STORY IN THIS RECIPE...

SO, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WENT TO WILLIAMS-SONOMA THE OTHER DAY AS PART OF A RAMBLING WALK AROUND ARLINGTON.  ANYWAY, THIS STORE HAS VERY HIGH END COOKWARE... IT LOOKS LIKE THIS INSIDE:

DO YOU SEE THEIR CLASSY PANS?  AND HOW THEY SIT ON RECESSED SHELVES?

WELL, I THOUGHT THE SHELVES PULL OUT SO THAT YOU CAN EXAMINE THE PANS MORE CLOSELY.  TURNS OUT THAT THE SHELVES DO IN FACT PULL OUT, BUT THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO.  END RESULT?  WHEN I PULLED THE SHELF OUT, ABOUT 6 GIGANTIC PANS ALL FELL INTO EACH OTHER AND MADE A HUGE COMMOTION.

I HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO THE STORE EMPLOYEES.  I PLEADED IGNORANCE, AS IT WAS MY FIRST TIME INSIDE A POT AND PAN STORE.

 Step 2:  Put a few seconds of olive oil into the pan, and then "shmush" the Gimme Lean with your hand.

Step 3:  Sprinkle a lot of cayenne on the "shmushed" Gimme Lean.  You should now have a work in progress that resembles the below picture:

Step 4:  Wait for the Gimme Lean to harden a little bit, and then start chopping it into a ground sirloin consistency that you would want in a spaghetti sauce.  This is my favorite part.  

Step 5:  Dump sauce onto monkey meat, and stir, and let heat for a little while (5 minutes or so).  

It goes without saying, BUT you should also be cooking your pasta during Steps 1-5.

And... BEHOLD!  THE BEST PASTA DISH EVER!

I have made this at least once a week for the past 5 years, and I am not even close to sick of it.