Recombobulation

This is a post about discombobulation.

Dict.org (the best dictionary website EVER) says that discombobulation is a "feeling of embarrassment that leaves you confused."

This sign is at Milwaukee's airport.  I took a nice leisurely stroll under it as I cleared through security at 4:45 AM the Sunday after Thanksgiving. The "Recombobulation Area" is very aptly named because ever since 9/11, I feel totally lost when I have to separate my entire life into a series of plastic bins:

Bin 1:  Belt and shoes and assorted things from pockets (lint, coins, chapstick, miscellaneous receipts, oh and sweet, I just found a $5 bill I didn't know I had!)

Bin 2:  Laptop and case

Bin 3:  Jacket

Bin 4:  Backpack

Bin 5:  Liquids and gels

I know five bins is a lot but I had one particular experience where a TSA agent from hell had a major bin fetish in addition to the fact that he was one of those "holier than thou" people.  He actually directed me to roll my belt up "like a snake" because it was at risk of "snagging the machine."  Now this for some reason enraged me, and i thought:  WHAT.  AN.  ASSHOLE.  It doesn't matter how my belt is oriented in a bin as long as it's in the goddamn thing!  It's an inanimate object that is not going to suddenly come alive, hellbent on bringing the gears of the x-ray machine to a grinding halt!  

Now.  If I had a candlestick, clock, or tea kettle, I would understand his concern.  That shit does come alive-  and with attitude.  But, we were talking about a belt.  

Going through security these days really makes you aware of just how much shit we all are carrying on ourselves!  This most recent time in Milwaukee I felt like Link.  You know how it is.  You get your boomerang, shield, sword, hookshot, some fairies, etc.  Where does it all go?  You don't even know- but you DO know that it just "works."

Don't know who created this image originally, but... AWESOME.

So as I packed up my belongings (I did not have a bomb of course.  But I did have my ocaraina.),  I saw the sign.  I found it funny, and as it turns out, the "Recombobulation Area" was intended to be a joke (Article from 2008).   Good job Milwaukee!  

2018 and 2022 World Cup Preview!

I don't know about you, but boy am I excited for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups in Russia and Qatar!  I know a lot of you are saying:  "What the fuck is in EITHER of those two countries that makes them hot destinations for arguably the biggest sporting event on the planet?"  Well, let me crack an egg of knowledge open for you.

Let's start with Russia.  What does Russia have that makes it a top choice for the World Cup?  Let's take a look at it:

The Case for Russia in 2018

-Vodka:  With the copious amounts of vodka available in Russia, will this be a commonplace occurrence?  God I hope so!

-Eskimos!  Everywhere!  It will be exciting to watch the world's stars (AND their fans) all bundled up to cope with the subzero temperatures of the cold siberian wasteland that is 99.8% of Russia (geographic fact).  Here is Andrei Arshavin who plays for Arsenal.  In this picture he is donning Russian Summer Attire. 

When the World Cup starts, he'll need something more on the order of this... because Russia is permanently subzero.  You know, one of those places where you can spit and it will freeze and then shatter as it hits the ground-  It's like that ALL THE TIME.

-Polar Bears:  Because Russia is so damn cold, there are frequent polar bear sightings.  They wander the streets (AND SOCCER STADIUMS!), always on the lookout for their next meal.   When the World Cup starts, the polar bears will descend upon the stadium for a feast of epic proportions.  You'll say "Shit!  Am I watching a Gladiator fight to the death or a soccer match?!" when the players begin fighting for their lives against their enentual devour-ers (is this even a word?). 

I fully expect the following color commentary:

"Christiano Ronaldo lines up for a free kick.  This is WELL within his rang-  oh... oh my word!  A polar bear has just sprinted onto the pitch and mauled Ronaldo!  That is surely a red card offence!  Oh no!  Oh my goodness!  There's no foul!  The ref is saying that Ronaldo has dived!  




-Nuclear Weapons:  With any luck, one of Russia's cold war nukes will leak some sweet radioactive substance onto the playing field and mutate the world's soccer stars into freak superhero players that elevate their game to unheard of levels.  After all, it was radiation that created Spider Man, the Hulk, AND Lionel Messi, child of the atom.  There is probably a 40% chance of this happening, but that is still high enough to hope for it.

Messi:  Most Definitely Born in a Radioactive Stew of Awesomeness

-Lethal Suppression of Annoying Journalists:  Russia has a "funny" media in that journalists seem to get got every now and then-  more frequently than not!  That said, we will all get to look forward to a bitch-free World Cup!  Publicly complain about a ref's decision in a match, and you just may find yourself in an ex-KGB torture chamber deep below Moscow. 

-General Villainy:  Did you ever notice that Russia has, by far, has the greatest per capita concentration of James Bond villains on Planet Earth.  Here are a few for example:

 

This will make things incredibly exciting, and hopefully FIFA will plan to have all of them in attendance at high-profile game. It will be like a trip to DisneyWorld except instead of being able to take pictures of with Mickey, Pluto, and Goofy, you get to take them with all of the people who have tried to eliminate Britain's top secret agent.  If not all the villains can make the games, hopefully they just pick the first one and a lot of her friends.

Oh and by the way-  the villains in Russia aren't limited to just actors.   Even Russia's top government figures look like Bond Villains!    Amazing!

In conclusion, with Russia's potent cocktail of alcohol, the cold, polar bears, nuclear weapons, limited freedom of speech in the press, and general villainy, how can World Cup 2018 be anything less than marvelous?

Join us next week as we analyze World Cup 2022 in Qatar-  a country which commits the cardinal sin of Q-Words:  THERE IS NO "U" AFTER THE "Q."

Bachelor Meal #2

When you read Bachelor Meal #1, was your mind blown?  

Was it blown due to the complexity of the recipe and the directions?  

Whenever my girlfriend tries to teach me how to cook something, my brain just sees and hears the equivalent of this:

So if Bachelor Meal #1 was too much for you, fear not.   Bachelor Meal #2 is remarkable in its simplicity, and fantasticness.  Are you ready?!  

BEHOLD!  

Bachelor Meal #2:  Fake Chicken Patties!

 PART 1:  CRUCIAL INGREDIENTS:

1.  Buns

2.  Ketchup-  Heinz only please. 

3.  Quorn Chicken Patties-  These things are fucking awesome.  Quorn really has a monopoly on the fake chicken market, and I encourage you to check them out.

I know what you are thinking.  ANOTHER "fake meat" product?!  I know I know-  What am I?  Some kind of animal loving vegan hippie scumbag?  I wouldn't go that far-  I just realized that making things with fake meat is sweet because you don't get penalized if you accidentally undercook your meal.  Because-  make no mistake about it-  If I used real meat in a meal, I would find a way to fuck it up and food poison myself and whoever else I am cooking for.                                   

Honey!  Dinner's Ready!  Do you think it's done???

                                                                                                                                                                                                

Anyway, I just don't even know what else to say about these chicken patties.  Do they cook quickly?  Check.  Do they taste like real chicken?  Check.  Is undercooking them a risk?  No.

PART 2:  MAKING AN EDIBLE CREATION

1. Throw the chicken patties in the oven.  Let them cook for 15 minutes or so.
2. Take chicken patties out of the oven.
3. Place chicken patties on buns.
4. Use approximately 1 L of ketchup per bun.
5. Devour

And there you have it.  A wonderfully quick tasty meal.  I meant to take pictures of the final patty but I forgot and ate everything instead.

Be sure to watch for an upcoming post on the correct milk:cereal ratio that you should be employing for maximum enjoyment of your Cocoa Puffs, etc.  

Another future post will discuss turtle soup.  Mmmm... delicacies. 

Flannel Returns With a Vengeance

Flannel is back.  Flannel is back with a fiery vengeance.  Or... flannely vengeance. This excites me because I am a *huge* advocate of flannel.

Flannel is casual elegance.  Like check out Mary-Kate here:

Casual, yet elegant.  But holy fuck, that bag looks like she skinned a fucking grizzly bear.

You know what else flannel is?

It's relentlessly mind-blowing, just like Kurt Cobain.  That's probably why he wore it.  Because he recognized that he and flannel shared a similar character trait.

Anyway, over the past several weeks, I have started seeing flannel more and more.  In bars, stores, at parties, etc etc etc.  It's making a comeback in a big way.  Since the last time flannel was "in" was the mid to late 90s, I expect that many of you have found yourselves in the same predicament that I was in last week.  I know what you are going through:

You probably walked to your closet and took a look inside.  You vividly remembered the warmth and coziness of flannel shirts that you wore in the 90s.  You thought to yourself "I have got to have those shirts somewhere around here!"  But you came up empty.  You must have gotten rid of them while in a state of temporary insanity.  "What will I do?!" you screamed! 


Well let me tell you what I did.  I reloaded.  I headed to the store and restocked my flannel supply:

I picked up three shirts and am very happy with my purchase but I really think I'm going to need more... like... soon.  Flannel is, I imagine, very much like heroin.  It makes you feel really warm and you get hooked on it.  Anyway, I've worn two of the above shirts so far and the response has been largely enthusiastic, though it has also inspired my girlfriend to poke fun at me (only because she is flannel-less).

Well I have this to say to my girlfriend:  You already know that flannel is casual elegance and relentlessly mind-blowing, but do you know what else what flannel is?

It's happiness.  Pure and unfiltered.

Check out this grainy couple for instance.  Do you honestly think they would be this happy if they weren't wearing flannel?  They wouldn't be.  No way.

So join the party-  get some flannel and flaunt that shit!  Everybody's doing it!

Continuing Analysis of Why PBR is Cool

Stumbled on this...  Check out 1:22!

$200 Million/Day Presidential Vacations! Blatant Lies. A Misc. Political Rant.

About a few weeks ago, before the midterm elections, I woke up to my alarm talking about how Obama had a trip to Asia planned.  On this trip to Asia, he would be hitting up India, Indonesia, Japan, and South Korea for some G20 chit chat, trade discussions, blah blah blah.  Same ol' same ol' presidential stuff as far as I was concerned, so I put on clothes, got in my car, and it was off to work like a normal American.

On the way to work, i threw on POTUS Channel 110 on Sirius.  Now, for those of you who don't have Sirius, it absolutely rules (with the exception of them eliminating the techno station "Boombox"... RIP Channel #34.  You were the best).  And one of the reasons Sirius rules is because of this POTUS station which in my opinion, presents more real facts than most news sources these days.  So this particular morning, the host of the "Morning Briefing," Tim Farley, was interviewing someone about the aforementioned Presidential trip to Asia.  Being that this was before the election, the guy being interviewed said that Obama going to Asia immediately after the elections would look like he was trying to escape the country after his Democrats were obliterated.  Of course, it wouldn't be an escape, the guy concluded, since some legitimate shit had to be taken care of there.  

So, over the next few days/weeks, I lived my life normally.  There weren't any major stories in the news.  Obama visited India.  Then he went to Indonesia.   Then he was in Korea for Veteran's Day.  And then, sometime last week, I heard the rumor that has circulated like wildfire that Obama's trip to Asia would cost taxpayers in the neighborhood of $200 Million/Day.  Now I was really late to the party on this one.  I heard this for the first time this past Wednesday.  And it made me irate because I immediately knew it was bullshit.  

I knew this was bullshit because my job essentially consists of playing "The Price Is Right" with large construction projects.  Did you know, for example, that a six building adaptive reuse project at the St. Elizabeth's campus in Washington, DC was just awarded by the General Services Administration for $58 Million?  (Award is Here. $58 M to Grunley Construction)  So what does that even mean, right?

WELL, that means that GSA (a part of the government that basically manages government facilities, among other things) is going to pay a construction company $58M over three years to completely renovate six large buildings.  These buildings are going to form the new headquarters for the Department of Homeland Security here in DC.  A few of these buildings are shown below:

SO, in my mind, you are completely full of shit if you tell me that our President's overseas trip costs 300% MORE PER DAY than a three year construction project that will build part of the new headquarters for the Department of Homeland Security.  By the way, the $200M/day myth is debunked in 100 other places on the Internet.  So, who is full of shit here and lying to the American public?  

Well, one of the liars is Glenn Beck.  He is such a blubbery and deceitful motherfucker that I would love to kick him in the face if he ever gets within range of my leg.  But what really pisses me off, is that after shamelessly backing such a grand monetary lie, he seems to believe he is an expert on complicated economic policy:

From Business Week (BW Article on Quantitative Easing):

Open Letter

A group of 23 economists, money managers and former government officials issued an open letter to Bernanke on Nov. 15 saying the central bank’s planned bond purchases “risk currency debasement and inflation” and won’t boost employment. That broadside capped a string of attacks from conservatives including Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

Now while the group of 23 economists mentioned above are much smarter than Beck and Palin, I find it concerning that these two clowns launched a string of attacks on the Fed in the first place.  What a country we live in where total idiots can comment on complex issues beyond their understanding, and inspire hundreds of thousands of others to buy into their lunacy.

Here is what Beck had to say about the Fed's decisions (if you can stomach looking at him... skip to 7:45):

Among the stupid-as-fuck things that he says:

1)  What the Fed is doing is probably the "Biggest bet in history and the biggest bet in the history of the planet."
This is false and a half.  The "Biggest bet in history and the biggest bet in the history of the planet was either this:

or this:

2)  He implies the US is as economically desperate as Zimbabwe


Really Glenn?  Really?  We're going to be like this now?

Every single time Palin or Beck opens their mouth, aside from an angel dying, this plays in my head:

They are that stupid.  And this concludes my rant.  Fact check the "facts" you hear!  And turn off Glenn Beck!

American Revival

As Business Week accurately reported, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer is "spontaneously hip (PBR Article in Business Week)."

I have witnessed this spontaneous hipness TWICE now in a very short period of time.

Let me backtrack though.  A few years ago, I went to Rocket Bar in DC for the first time.  The very first thing I noticed about Rocket Bar was that they had PBR on special.  Being young and naive, I said to myself:

"Why the fuck is that beer on special?  It's terrible."

Now up until this point I had never had a PBR in my life, but I just associated it with Milwaukee's Best (PBR is a Milwaukee Beer too) which is, in fact, terrible.  So I was pleasantly surprised when I cracked open the $2.00 beer and found it to be surprisingly okay!  One or two or seven PBRs later, I was having myself a great night.  So that was my first PBR Experience:  Went to bar.  PBR on special.  Got hammered.  Had fun.

Fast forward to the present.  On my trip to Charlottesville a few weekends back, and at a party last night, I brought PBR to share with friends.  A six pack in Charlottesville and a 12 pack last night.  In Charlottesville, when I showed up with the booze, someone said:  "Oh sweet!  PBR!  Hook me up!" (Maybe it wasn't exactly that, but the dude was enthusiastic about the PBR, and wanted one.)

Then last night, no less than 10 people commented on the fact that PBR had just appeared at the party.  AND, it was a hot commodity.  No less than 20 minutes after I arrived, all the PBR was spoken for.

This amazes me.  How can such a moderately above average beer be so cool?

I have no idea.  We should get these guys on it. :

Mulder:  "Scully don't you find it interesting that this moderately above average beer is taking the country by storm?  It doesn't add up.  It's so cheap, yet it doesn't completely suck.  Pack your bags.  We're going to Milwaukee."


Scully:  "Mulder, there have been plenty of instances in history of brands making comebacks in a big way.  I don't think that there are any unexplained phenomena behind this.  You're chasing ghosts."


Mulder:  "Why can't you accept that the re-emergence of this beer is the direct result of alien propoganda?"

Right, so anyway, why is PBR cool?

I have no idea.  It's cheap, it's good, and... the can is really fucking cool.  I think that's the kicker.  The PBR can screams America, and it is classically modern.  Wrap your heads around that oxymoron.  Seriously though, it's gotta be the can.  The can looks so awesome that  you *think* that the beer inside is awesome as well.  Anyway, that's my take on the mystery.

I encourage you all to show up at your next social event or important work meeting with a good amount of PBR.  Then report back with the reactions!

Really, you should go get some PBR.