Weekend Travels Have Minimized the Blogging Effort! Part 1/2

All the driving and general having of fun has really limited my blogging the past two weeks.


Two weekends ago, I was in Charlottesville with the gf and a grab bag of various friends.


Among other things, we hit up the local apple orchard which leant itself to some cool pictures... especially because I was wearing camo.  

The apple orchard was mad crowded.  People love their apples, apple cider, and donuts.  

I picked a grand total of about 10 apples.  I since have eaten about two of them, and I believe the rest are rotten and sitting on my dining room table.  Awesome. 

My brown skin and camo shirt allowed me to seamlessly blend into the apple trees.   

Like I said.  Seamless. 

Apples.  Trees.  Sky.

So-  at the apple orchard, you are supposed to pay by the pound for all the apples you pick.  Undoubtedly, that $/LB price is jacked up to account for all the idiots that shake the apple trees and cause hundreds of apples to fall just to get the one they need.  I may have been one of these idiots.

After apple picking, we had a bonfire.  I prepared for this trip out to the country by stocking up on Natty Boh and PBR.  Both are exquisite beers.  PBR is really making a comeback in public perception.  The can just looks so damn classy!  How can you resist it?!

I found this fuzzy caterpillar in my friend Lauren's driveway.  

Prior to leaving Charlottesville, we did a bit of wine tasting.  While killing the bottle we bought, I took this very classy picture which I call: 

Women.  A Conversation Between Them.  

Look how serious they look!  I think they were having a conversation about-  okay.  Well I actually don't know because I was thinking about Batman.  

This is me after wine tasting.  I felt so warm!  And... happy!  And it was 75 degrees!  And sunny!  I had not a care in the world...  Awesome feeling.

Bombed Out Umbrellas

It's rainy and crappy in DC today, but I love seeing broken umbrellas.

The only thing better than seeing a broken umbrella is actually seeing it breaking in real time (and waiting for the inevitable "look" on the umbrella-owner's face)*!  This is a rare occurrence though and so I don't have any pictures of that.  But here are some awesomely destroyed umbrellas from NYC, Ireland, and Baltimore from the past year...  

Though I love taking pictures of broken umbrellas, I seldom get to do it because I never remember to make sure my camera is on me when a big storm comes through... Kindof like how I still can't remember to floss daily as a supposed self sufficient adult.  

*Is that face rage?  Sadness?  Despair?  

Oh, and also, broken umbrellas are only cool when:

a) It is someone else's umbrella

b) It is not the umbrella that I am using

Bachelor Meal #1

Hello, and welcome to a new feature of my blog called "Cooking with Steve."  Like 98% of all new features that are introduced in this blog, this will probably be a one time occasion.  This is to keep with the theme of zero thematic consistency.

Today, I am going to show all you readers how to make the best pasta dish ever.  It will blow your fucking mind.  And then some.

Okay, so what do you need to make the best pasta dish ever?  You need the following:

PART 1:  CRUCIAL INGREDIENTS

So... what do we have here?  We have:

1. Mom's Spaghetti Sauce-  It has to be Mom's.  If you try to use some $2.99 jar of pasta sauce from Safway or Giant, you will feel the sting of failure.
2. Gimme Lean-  This is fake meat.  I largely stopped eating real meat when I dated a vegetarian for a while.  Since then (for like the past several years), I have been buying this stuff, and have been made fun of relentlessly for it.  Old roommates of mine called it "Monkey Meat."  If you use real meat, you will feel the sting of failure.
3. Real Cheese (see below)- I used to just use Kraft parmesan cheese for the best pasta dish ever.  Then, my girlfriend made me use real cheese once.  At first, I was skeptical, but am now convinced that it is better with real cheese. The sting of failure awaits those who choose to use the Kraft or "prepackaged" Parmesan.  
4. Pasta (I use green pasta because... it is green... and spinachy... which is kindof cool)
5. Cayenne- Spice up your life.

WARNING!

Be sure to use a cheese grater with the cheese.  I used to use a knife once, and I nearly sliced my damn finger off.  Cheese is a deceptively strong opponent, and a grater will make life easier.  This is the grater that i suggest:

Right.  So... behold the most badass grater ever.  Note that it has a little cheese catcher at the end that will store the cheese you slice and dice.  Unbelievable.

PART 2:  MAKING AN EDIBLE CREATION

Step 1:  Open the Gimme Lean, and dump it into a pan.  It will look like this:

BE SURE NOT TO JUDGE THIS BOOK BY ITS COVER.  YES, IT LOOKS A LITTLE STRANGE.  YOUR TASTE BUDS ARE ABOUT TO BE OVERWHELMED WITH EXCELLENCE THOUGH...

OKAY OKAY... SORRY-  QUICK SIDE STORY IN THIS RECIPE...

SO, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WENT TO WILLIAMS-SONOMA THE OTHER DAY AS PART OF A RAMBLING WALK AROUND ARLINGTON.  ANYWAY, THIS STORE HAS VERY HIGH END COOKWARE... IT LOOKS LIKE THIS INSIDE:

DO YOU SEE THEIR CLASSY PANS?  AND HOW THEY SIT ON RECESSED SHELVES?

WELL, I THOUGHT THE SHELVES PULL OUT SO THAT YOU CAN EXAMINE THE PANS MORE CLOSELY.  TURNS OUT THAT THE SHELVES DO IN FACT PULL OUT, BUT THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO.  END RESULT?  WHEN I PULLED THE SHELF OUT, ABOUT 6 GIGANTIC PANS ALL FELL INTO EACH OTHER AND MADE A HUGE COMMOTION.

I HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO THE STORE EMPLOYEES.  I PLEADED IGNORANCE, AS IT WAS MY FIRST TIME INSIDE A POT AND PAN STORE.

 Step 2:  Put a few seconds of olive oil into the pan, and then "shmush" the Gimme Lean with your hand.

Step 3:  Sprinkle a lot of cayenne on the "shmushed" Gimme Lean.  You should now have a work in progress that resembles the below picture:

Step 4:  Wait for the Gimme Lean to harden a little bit, and then start chopping it into a ground sirloin consistency that you would want in a spaghetti sauce.  This is my favorite part.  

Step 5:  Dump sauce onto monkey meat, and stir, and let heat for a little while (5 minutes or so).  

It goes without saying, BUT you should also be cooking your pasta during Steps 1-5.

And... BEHOLD!  THE BEST PASTA DISH EVER!

I have made this at least once a week for the past 5 years, and I am not even close to sick of it.