Worst Band Ever- An Ear Bleeding Experience

So my friend and I went to the Black Cat last night to catch the band Pinback. For those of you who don’t know Pinback, they can best be compared to Death Cab for Cutie although they have a much more “layered” sound, two vocalists, and in my opinion, are much better. I was pretty pumped about the show and felt even more excited about it once I got a few beers in me at the bar next door to the Black Cat.

Sample Pinback Song:

Once we got to the Black Cat, we hung out in the downstairs bar and talked to some people before ultimately going upstairs to the main stage area. While pre-show drinking, a few people made comments about the opening band like:

“They’re kindof ehhhh...”

“They’re not-so-hot…”

Etc.

When I hear those types of comments, I think to myself: “Well, I’ll give them a shot... All bands deserve to at least be heard once! And besides, they can’t be THAT bad…”

Well, I recant. There are some bands that DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HEARD ONCE. Not even for a second. THIS was one of those bands.

The band was called sBACH and this is the description of their album from Amazon:

“sBACH is Spencer Seim, (Hella, The Advantage). This record is a frenetic mélange akin to the sights, sounds, and sugar rushes of an entire elementary school locked in a Chuck E. Cheese and having to subside on an all-you-can-eat buffet of Fun Dip and Pixie Stix. The animatronic, caffeinated band dishes out phosphorescent doom riffs while running amok with blips and bleeps. Kitschy, stoner rock with jazz rhythms and chicken scratch electronica.”

What the F does that even mean?!?! Just reading the description instantly throws up red flags. Actually HEARING this band though is something eerily similar to having taking QTips and shoving them through your ears, into your brain, one after another until they get pushed through your brain and out your nose. Now I’ve never done that, but the pain my senses felt was DEFINITELY on that level.

My exact words upon hearing this band: “You know what this sounds like? UNICORN GENOCIDE.”

sBach conjured up images in my head of unicorns dancing merrily and then being systematically murdered by the on-stage idiots who thought they were making “music.” If you want a true description of what these guys sound like, it’s the following:

1 Part Old School Nintendo Video Game Soundtrack
1 Part Loud Drumming
1 Part Dying Robot
All with a heavy dosage of “No Musical Key or Time Signature Whatsoever”

I can’t believe people actually applauded for this shit. Wait, yes I can, because if EVER there was “mocking applause,” THIS was it.

I want to offer a challenge to all my 3 readers out there: Go to the Amazon link, and pay the $0.99 for a song. Wait, scratch that- don’t support these guys. Go to their MySpace page (http://www.myspace.com/sBACHband) and let your ears enter a world of pain at no cost. Actually, don't waste your time. Just click below and attempt to watch/listen to this shit:

If you can listen to the whole thing all the way through, you most definitely can survive the following without even blinking:

-Waterboarding

-Imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay if you were to be accused of being a top Al Queda operative

-Nuclear Holocaust

-Being eaten alive by maneating insects like in the latest Indiana Jones movie which wasn’t all that good.

Thankfully, Pinback was good and saved the night.

Next up on the Concert Schedule:

10/4 Chromeo @ the 930 Club
11/5 Rival Schools @ Ottobar
11/10 Kings of Leon @ Constitution Hall
11/11 Smashing Pumpkins @ Constitution Hall (Yes, I ended up buying tickets to it)
2009 Metallica @ Verizon Center

Hopefully these guys will have some decent openers.

I have no idea what I am doing...

This is my first blog ever! Wow! I feel so advanced... I wonder if I'll be able to stick with it. Maybe someday I'll have things like images and interactive... stuff... but that day is not today. My friends- we have to walk before we can crawl! (I was making fun of John McCain there. Did you get it? Probably not, but he starts every fucking sentence with "My friends..." I personally am not his friend so I feel it's really presumptuous and rude on his part to lump me into that category. Also, the way he says it is so creepy! It's creepy like the way Joe Paterno says "COME TO PENN STATE!!!!!!!" in that one Big Ten commercial.

For the sake of comparison:
Paterno-
See 0:15 and the end...


McCain-


Okay... so I guess that really they're not similar at all- except that they're both senile and old and look like the Cryptkeeper.


Can you honestly tell me you don't see a resemblance?

Oh, and by the way, watch out world! Looks like I just mastered the hell out of adding images to this bad boy!

Anyhow, I apologize, for I digressed really hard.

In no particular order, the two things that I wanted to talk about tonight were:

1) Today, my friend informed me via email that the Smashing Pumpkins (arguably my favorite band ever) are going to be playing two nights in DC. I naturally jumped all over this (because they are one of my favorite bands ever). So, I go to Ticketmaster like any normal person would do when they want a ticket for something. I look up Pumpkins tour dates, and sure enough, two shows are having their presale for DC. BUT, there's a big fucking catch: YOU CAN'T BUY THE GODDAMN TICKETS UNLESS YOU PURCHASE THEM WITH AN AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD! What kind of bullshit is that?! Who decided that would be a great marketing idea? It does not make me think: "Boy... I really should get one of those American Express cards." It makes me think: "Fuck American Express! I'm never getting one of those worthless pieces of shit." I cannot think of a single one of my friends or family members that actually has an American Express card. You know why? Because there are always VISA commercials that are saying how you should always have your VISA card handy because it's accepted anywhere, whereas if you have an American Express card, you're cutting your options down tenfold. Come to think of it, this kindof makes me hate VISA now too. One of the few times I need something immediately, suddenly there's a role reversal and I need the subpar American Express card instead, and VISA is worthless until the public sale. And public sales for tickets are a complete shitshow in their own right. As a frequent ticket-buyer and concert-goer, there is nothing more irritating than having to continually refresh a window waiting for the "More Info" link in Ticketmaster to change to "Find Tickets." Yet, it looks that this is exactly what I'll be doing with my Saturday morning. Great. Maybe I won't even go... This brings me to my second item of business...

2) Should I even want to go to this show?! I've spent a lot of money on tickets lately. I'm seeing Kings of Leon, Pinback, Electric Six/Local H, Metallica, and Chromeo- all in the next 4 months. For a 60-hour/week working guy, that's a lot of shows to be going to. I could really use the spare change, yet I'm a sucker for concerts... But the dilemma for this show isn't about money, it's about the band themselves. The Pumpkins are one of my favorite bands, hands down. But when they reunited, some weeeeeeiiiiirrrdddd shit went down! First, James Iha (Asian guitarist extraordinaire) and D'arcy (hot chick bassist) were either not invited to the reunion, or turned it down (who knows- this stuff is never public). So then, instead of getting Melissa Auf der Mauer (who was a Pumpkin at one point AND A hot chick bassist at that!) to play bass again and getting a new guitarist from a pool of tight rocker friends or something, Billy went out and picked two completely unknown people to fill in. AND, strangely and conveniently enough, he ends up with a hot chick bassist and an Asian guitarist.

Classic Lineup (not shown Jimmy C):
Melissa (Bassist #2 after D'arcy):
New Bassist (Still a chick, still hot):
New Guitarist (Still an Asian dude, still a sweet guitar player):
Now musically this worked. I saw them three times last year and had a great time at all three shows (Asheville NC, DC record release for Zeitgeist, and Virgin Festival) ,but the whole thing wreaks of being a big gimmick. The gimmick thing is stronger than ever now because the DC shows are part of a 20th Anniversary tour. Nothing about the band is the same really so the whole Anniversary thing is a big stretch. Although, Billy is making me tentatively forget about it because there is the promise of old material being played which I am a total sucker for... So, let the internal debate rage on...

3) Last item on my agenda... I was briefly looking at Yahoo News and came across this picture which I found disturbing... I guess... that... if you don't see what this might resemble then... well... don't worry about it. Just have a great night!
"Hail- China!"

Seacrest out.