Office Decor

Hey!  What's up bitches?!  And I don't mean that in a derogatory way-  I mean it in like a collective "you all" type of way.  It's kindof like the vosotros conjugation of ser.  No?  Okay well anyway, does you work environment suck?


Mine does.  I have shitty cubicle walls, horrible fluorescent lighting, and those lameass fucking ceiling tiles that look like the world was inverted, and then a chain smoker came in and ashed his cigarette all over the ceiling (which is the floor in the inverted world), and then the world turned right way up again but the ash stuck.

You know, these!

Anyway, I recently decided that I had let this dismal environment wear my soul down enough.  I recognized the need for change, and so today I attempted to install an INFLATABLE PAGAN WORSHIPPING SITE just outside my cubicle- but it was in the spirit of breaking the dull decor of the office and enhancing worker bee production!

The setup was uncanny.  I had previously purchased a tiki totem statue, and a palm tree, and I then created what I call the "Gate of Unbelievable Awesomeness."

As you can see, the Gate consists of two components:

1)  The Statue of Unbelievable Awesomeness (Left)

2)  The Tree of Trouble Reduction (Right)

*My coworker Brandon is in the background.  He is not a component of the Gate.

Notice how it just looks unbelievably awesome?  The purpose of the Gate is two-fold.  Not only does its appearance inspire awe and wonder, but it contributes to the company's bottom line.  How?  Well, when people in the office are stumped with a seemingly unresolvable problem, all they have to do is sacrifice at the foot of the Statue of Unbelievable Awesomeness.  Upon sacrificing, their problem will be instantly solved.

[Sidenote:  At this point, I think I am going to designate that the sacrifice is beer.  When sacrifices are made, they will be collected daily by dedicated Gate maintenance servants such as myself.  Gate maintenance servants shall also be responsible for Gate Component Inflation.]

 Secondly, when people in the office are at the end of their rope due to a stress-inducing situation, they can nap under the Tree of Trouble Reduction.  Upon waking, they will find their troubles cleared, and the path forward clearly illuminated.

For my forward thinking and radically progressive ideas that would no doubt lead to increased productivity and profitability, I thought I would be celebrated. I was wrong.

For when my boss stepped out of his office and first set his gaze upon the gate, he said:

"Hmm...  Today's probably not a good day for this.  The Corporate Sales VP is coming over with another newly hired Commercial Sales VP.  He's going to show him around our office."

I was let down, but I understood what he was saying.  CLEARLY, these VPs are NOT unbelievably awesome, and so they would probably suffer unfathomable consequences by even LOOKING at the Gate.

And so the Gate Components have been stashed away in a vacant cube, and I returned to work under the harsh glare of our crappy lighting and speckled ceilings.  The Gate will reopen at a later date (possibly tomorrow) when surprise visits from newly created bureaucratic layers of our big company are less likely to happen.  

And when the Gate reopens, I have no doubt that I will be recognized for my contribution to improving morale, and instantly promoted.