The Dentist

You cannot possibly fathom how much I hate dentists.  That said, I have my regularly scheduled dental appointment tomorrow.  It'll go something like this:

1.  I show up 15 minutes early.  My appointment is at 2:50 PM, so I'll get there at 2:35 PM.  

2.  Sitting in the lobby, I'll pick up a magazine.  It will inevitably be ultra-outdated.  

"Sweet...  Sports Illustrated from August 2010.  Why the fuck do I want to read an NFL preview when the season is down to its last two weeks?  Let me try this other one instead.  No shit...  We've put a man on the moon."

3.  I will get called for my time in the chair at approximately 3:00 PM.  Why tell someone 2:50 PM when you won't be ready until 3:00 PM?  My time is precious, and the late start will just further frustrate me.

4.  The Dental Sidekick will seat me.  She'll make small talk with me and ask me how high school is going until I interject that I am a working man, and have had a full time job for five years... which I got AFTER I graduated from college...  which took four years. I get it.  I look young, but damn, this sidekick must have the worst memory ever because this scene plays out EVERY TIME I have an appointment.

5.  And, here we go.  It's not even 5 minutes into my checkup before the Dental Sickle comes out.  Wait, you DON'T know what this is?  

Quite frankly, I'm not sure why we ever waterboarded people.  Simulated drowning is a walk in the park next to getting your gums embroidered with these things.

6.  The Dental Sidekick will then proceed to drag her sickle of death over every square inch of my teeth.  The noise the scraping makes will drive me crazy, and I will be gripping the chair's arms like there's no tomorrow as I wait for the next time she drives the point of the fucking thing into my gums.  

7.  After the sidekick is done poking and prodding and carving my mouth up with her sickle, she'll inform me that it's time to polish my teeth.  I will then be offered various flavors of polish, all of which taste like shit.  I will opt for mint because it is the most bearable of the unbearable choices.  The teeth polishing is maybe the worst part of the entire appointment.  I never quite understood why, but the hygienist will try to polish as many teeth as possible until I start to gag on the awful shit.  Then, and ONLY then  will they offer the "water/air-vacuum" combo to deliver some momentary salvation from the suffocation.  And then it's back to the polishing... 

I will have an identical snarl during the polishing process.

8.  When the polishing finally ends, it's sickle time again.  But this time, it's the actual dentist who plays with the sickle.  He is a bit more sadistic with the damn thing then his sidekick, and I focus a death stare on him the entire time-  My eyes will convey unfathomable consequences should he make one false move with his sickle.  Nevertheless, the guy's going to go to town on my teeth.

Asshole.

9.  After the Dentist is done, he and his sidekick will conference, and then they'll talk to me together.  

Dentist:  "Steven, we noticed you STILL have not gotten your wisdom teeth removed?  You really should do that.  Are you waiting for something in particular?"

Me:  "Yes-  I'm waiting until technology exists where you can vaporize them out in lieu of carving me up like a cow."

What I'll probably say though is:  "Well, I haven't had time."

I haven't had time to do this in five years.  I'm tremendously busy.  

10.  One last thing to do before I can get the hell out of the Dentist's office.  X-Rays.  Can't they just let me go?!  I'm already annoyed and frustrated, and my mouth is throbbing like a strobe light flashes.  Shouldn't they know better?  Don't they read comic books?!  You DON'T put an angry person and radiation together.  The minute those sweet rays hit me, STEVE... MIGHT ... JUST GO ... MAD.

You really just don't know how much I hate the dentist...