Let's start with Russia. What does Russia have that makes it a top choice for the World Cup? Let's take a look at it:
The Case for Russia in 2018
-Vodka: With the copious amounts of vodka available in Russia, will this be a commonplace occurrence? God I hope so!
-Eskimos! Everywhere! It will be exciting to watch the world's stars (AND their fans) all bundled up to cope with the subzero temperatures of the cold siberian wasteland that is 99.8% of Russia (geographic fact). Here is Andrei Arshavin who plays for Arsenal. In this picture he is donning Russian Summer Attire.
When the World Cup starts, he'll need something more on the order of this... because Russia is permanently subzero. You know, one of those places where you can spit and it will freeze and then shatter as it hits the ground- It's like that ALL THE TIME.
-Polar Bears: Because Russia is so damn cold, there are frequent polar bear sightings. They wander the streets (AND SOCCER STADIUMS!), always on the lookout for their next meal. When the World Cup starts, the polar bears will descend upon the stadium for a feast of epic proportions. You'll say "Shit! Am I watching a Gladiator fight to the death or a soccer match?!" when the players begin fighting for their lives against their enentual devour-ers (is this even a word?).
I fully expect the following color commentary:
"Christiano Ronaldo lines up for a free kick. This is WELL within his rang- oh... oh my word! A polar bear has just sprinted onto the pitch and mauled Ronaldo! That is surely a red card offence! Oh no! Oh my goodness! There's no foul! The ref is saying that Ronaldo has dived!
-Nuclear Weapons: With any luck, one of Russia's cold war nukes will leak some sweet radioactive substance onto the playing field and mutate the world's soccer stars into freak superhero players that elevate their game to unheard of levels. After all, it was radiation that created Spider Man, the Hulk, AND Lionel Messi, child of the atom. There is probably a 40% chance of this happening, but that is still high enough to hope for it.
-Lethal Suppression of Annoying Journalists: Russia has a "funny" media in that journalists seem to get got every now and then- more frequently than not! That said, we will all get to look forward to a bitch-free World Cup! Publicly complain about a ref's decision in a match, and you just may find yourself in an ex-KGB torture chamber deep below Moscow.
-General Villainy: Did you ever notice that Russia has, by far, has the greatest per capita concentration of James Bond villains on Planet Earth. Here are a few for example:
This will make things incredibly exciting, and hopefully FIFA will plan to have all of them in attendance at high-profile game. It will be like a trip to DisneyWorld except instead of being able to take pictures of with Mickey, Pluto, and Goofy, you get to take them with all of the people who have tried to eliminate Britain's top secret agent. If not all the villains can make the games, hopefully they just pick the first one and a lot of her friends.
Oh and by the way- the villains in Russia aren't limited to just actors. Even Russia's top government figures look like Bond Villains! Amazing!
In conclusion, with Russia's potent cocktail of alcohol, the cold, polar bears, nuclear weapons, limited freedom of speech in the press, and general villainy, how can World Cup 2018 be anything less than marvelous?
Join us next week as we analyze World Cup 2022 in Qatar- a country which commits the cardinal sin of Q-Words: THERE IS NO "U" AFTER THE "Q."
When the World Cup starts, he'll need something more on the order of this... because Russia is permanently subzero. You know, one of those places where you can spit and it will freeze and then shatter as it hits the ground- It's like that ALL THE TIME.
-Polar Bears: Because Russia is so damn cold, there are frequent polar bear sightings. They wander the streets (AND SOCCER STADIUMS!), always on the lookout for their next meal. When the World Cup starts, the polar bears will descend upon the stadium for a feast of epic proportions. You'll say "Shit! Am I watching a Gladiator fight to the death or a soccer match?!" when the players begin fighting for their lives against their enentual devour-ers (is this even a word?).
I fully expect the following color commentary:
"Christiano Ronaldo lines up for a free kick. This is WELL within his rang- oh... oh my word! A polar bear has just sprinted onto the pitch and mauled Ronaldo! That is surely a red card offence! Oh no! Oh my goodness! There's no foul! The ref is saying that Ronaldo has dived!
-Nuclear Weapons: With any luck, one of Russia's cold war nukes will leak some sweet radioactive substance onto the playing field and mutate the world's soccer stars into freak superhero players that elevate their game to unheard of levels. After all, it was radiation that created Spider Man, the Hulk, AND Lionel Messi, child of the atom. There is probably a 40% chance of this happening, but that is still high enough to hope for it.
Messi: Most Definitely Born in a Radioactive Stew of Awesomeness
-Lethal Suppression of Annoying Journalists: Russia has a "funny" media in that journalists seem to get got every now and then- more frequently than not! That said, we will all get to look forward to a bitch-free World Cup! Publicly complain about a ref's decision in a match, and you just may find yourself in an ex-KGB torture chamber deep below Moscow.
-General Villainy: Did you ever notice that Russia has, by far, has the greatest per capita concentration of James Bond villains on Planet Earth. Here are a few for example:
This will make things incredibly exciting, and hopefully FIFA will plan to have all of them in attendance at high-profile game. It will be like a trip to DisneyWorld except instead of being able to take pictures of with Mickey, Pluto, and Goofy, you get to take them with all of the people who have tried to eliminate Britain's top secret agent. If not all the villains can make the games, hopefully they just pick the first one and a lot of her friends.
Oh and by the way- the villains in Russia aren't limited to just actors. Even Russia's top government figures look like Bond Villains! Amazing!
In conclusion, with Russia's potent cocktail of alcohol, the cold, polar bears, nuclear weapons, limited freedom of speech in the press, and general villainy, how can World Cup 2018 be anything less than marvelous?
Join us next week as we analyze World Cup 2022 in Qatar- a country which commits the cardinal sin of Q-Words: THERE IS NO "U" AFTER THE "Q."
4 comments:
How could you say that Russia is villainous??
http://imgur.com/gallery/qW66x
Putin is going to snuggle Messi just like he snuggles this puppy. They will cuddle together against the bitter bitter Russian cold. And then Fabregas and Torres take their shirts off and snuggle together for warmth... and maybe I am also there... just, y'know, to offer some moral support to the Spanish team and stuff... it worked out really well in this dream I had a few days ago.
In summary I think a Russian world cup is an excellent idea.
Come on man, in Goldeneye Sean Bean was former British double-0 who Bond abandoned on a mission, not a Russian.
Yes I take my Bond seriously.
But 006 employed Ourumov, a Russian general, when he went rogue, AND his parents were both Russian which thereby makes him natively Russian, but British trained...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alec_Trevelyan
Wikipedia rules.
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