National Geographic is reporting that there are now zombie ants: Zombie Ants
I'm telling you- People, it's only only a matter of time before we have humans turning into zombies- And we are going to need to be prepared. Let's analyze, shall we?
Exhibit A is a zombie ant, courtesy of National Geographic:
Downright disgusting and terrifying, in a 20/80 split. Note that a "stalk of fungus" grows out of the ant's head, takes over its brain, and then ultimately kills the ant when it has reached a point where it can successfully and efficiently spread out its spores TO REPRODUCE. Freaky shit, right?
Exhibit B is an image from the video game Resident Evil 5. The basic plot of the game is that you control a character that must fight hordes of zombies. And, the people have become zombies thanks to a potent mix of bad bad chemicals that were engineered by a dark pharmaceutical corporation. But most importantly is that the zombie people in this game ALSO have "stalks" or tentacles growing out of their fucking heads! There is a slight difference in that the stalk replaces their head in the game, but still:
So what am I getting at?
WELL, my point is that if ants are zombifying, THIS CAN SPREAD TO PEOPLE TOO. Look at ebola. First a monkey had it. Then a person had it. It's not beyond the realm of possibility. Resident Evil 5 has provided us with a chilling glimpse of what the future could hold for all of us.
Now I imagine that a lot of you might laugh at this post. "Hahaha- another stupid zombie post!"
You're an idiot. What you should be doing is going to your local hardware store, and stocking up on chainsaws, axes, and hammers... for when your shotguns run out of ammo and you've already turned that box of Franzia that you were never going to drink into a molotov box cocktail of death and destruction.
So I was at Safeway the other day. It was a typical Safeway experience. And by that I mean two criteria were fulfilled: I only needed a couple items, and only one checkout aisle was open. So, no matter how little you are getting, you are forced to stand in line.
To elaborate:
1) I only needed a couple items. I am that guy that makes frequent trips to the grocery store, but only buys a few things each time. Carts annoy me (because one of the four wheels is usually paralyzed and frozen in one particular direction, thereby requiring you to DRAG the cart instead of STEERING it), and so I make sure I am never going to buy enough shit in one visit to require one. This particular excursion called for Cheerios and Yogurt. When mixed together, the two form a phenomenal, yet healthy snack. Might I suggest using the following products: Yoplait Apricot Mango, and Honey Nut Cheerios. I have provided a picture of the yogurt below- This way, if you attempt to make my phenomenal snack, you will know exactly what kind of yogurt to get:
If you can't find Honey Nut Cheerios though, you are probably just stupid. They are not hard-to-find like some of those crazy vegetables. Just recently for example, my girlfriend named some mystery vegetable like ARUGULA? ARUBALA? ARUBA? Whatever the hell it was, she just made a salad out of it... I don't even know how you make a salad out of a country...
So... Apricot Mango is Yoplait's best flavor. Hands down. Try combining one "thing" (What do you call a container of yogurt other than a container? It's not a pack, and it's not a can... I feel like there's another word that needs to be used instead of container) of Apricot Mango with another "thing" of Blueberry Patch (also Yoplait).
2) Once I had acquired my Honey Nut Cheerios and yogurt, I hit the checkout aisle... and shocker: Only one aisle was open. I am convinced that no matter what time you go to a Safeway, only one aisle will be open. Sunday morning? One aisle. Super Bowl Sunday afternoon? One aisle. It's idiotic. In fact, Safeway is so idiotic, that during one of the 2010 snowpocalypses, the employees just walked out and left the store open: Wash. Post article about Safeway and Snowpocalypse
Okay. So we've established it was a normal Safeway trip for me. This fact has nothing to do with anything really. I just wanted to talk about Cheerios and yogurt, and how it's idiotic that Safeway only has one checkout aisle open 99% of the time... because seriously, that's a pain in the ass.
The real gist of this post is that I saw something I found pretty ridiculous in the checkout aisle.
Do you know what that is? I apologize for the shitty picture image, but the Droid phones all have shitty cameras compared to the iPhone. But anyway, it is a Blu-Ray of the movie 2012, for the bargain price of $29.99.
What you probably can't see is the fine print at the bottom of the blu-ray which says that 2012 is "Phenomenal! The Best Disaster Movie Ever!" This praise came from Shawn Edwards of FOX TV. Who? Yeah- exactly!
After I did some research, I realized that Shawn Edwards is a "blurb whore."
As one YouTube commenter succinctly puts it:
Sony Pictures uses faux-Film Critics AKA "Blurb Whores" like Shawn Edwards, from Fox-4 TV in Kansas City, to sell their horrible films. Edwards is an embarrassment to KC and gives bad films good ratings to get his name in ads. There are MANY fake critics just like him that these studios use to pump crap like 2012. Edwards has the taste of a C-Average Middle School student and hates ANY film that has one iota of intelligence. That SONY PICTURES uses such deception in their ads is truly sad.
These people truly lead some lame lives, when the highlight of their day is scoring that big adjective to be used in the trailer for the next big disaster movie!
Watch the trailer, and you'll see Edwards' "PHENOMENAL!" smack you in the face!
So, is this movie good? I mean... I'm guessing it's probably horrible. Amazon tends to agree. 147/535 total reviews give the movie 1/5 stars.
Not exactly a ringing endorsement.
So please Safeway, please clear the trash out of your checkout aisles, and give me something worthwhile to look at the next time I'm trapped waiting to checkout with two items. Oh and also, lower your damn prices. Because you can get 2012 for only $11+ shipping on Amazon.
