Soccer/Futbol/Not-REAL-football

So recently I’ve decided to start watching soccer. Since globalization is so trendy these days, I am globalizing my sports watching. After speaking to my soccer-knowledgeable roommate and doing some Wikipedia-ing on the English Premier League, I have decided that the lucky team that will receive my full fledged support is … (drumroll please), ARSENAL! Really, this was the easiest decision ever. Arsenal’s team name is the GUNNERS which is possibly the most badass sports name ever.

Bill Simmons wrote a good how-to on... well... how to pick a EPL team to follow. Also, allow myself to introduce myself. While the bandwagon potential for Arsenal is, according to Simmons, “off the charts,” I really just don’t care. My REAL football teams (Michigan and Green Bay) are having "rebuilding" (read: really shitty) years so I need to root for a team that consistently wins so I can feel good about life.

In other soccer news, I noticed in my research that AIG is a sponsor of Manchester United. This is the same AIG that we just bailed out. Good thing they have their financial priorities in place! Though their contract was only 0.11% of the $85 billion they’re getting ($100M contract signed in April 06), I still think that everybody should be able to make fun of them for this. ESPECIALLY because AIG is now essentially a synonym for FAIL, and is prominently displayed on all Man U players’ chests. Be proud while you can Futbol Yankees. You too will beg for mercy like AIG, except it will be at the hands of the vicious Gunners*.

More like:

Getting back to Arsenal, I notified the team earlier this week that they would be receiving my undying loyalty and they seemed REALLY pumped about it. Goalkeeper Manuel Almunia (loosely translated from Spanish, this means MAN OF ALUMINUM- ALSO BADASS!) said in an interview last week:

“Steve is going to take Arsenal to a new level- He is like… how you say… the man Spike Lee to the Knickerbockers… also- like the man Jack Nicorette to the Lakers.”

When asked by the press if he intended to say Jack Nicholson, the Man of Aluminum replied: “Ho ho ho yes! Sorry- I am not that familiar with your silly American culture, but that man Nicholson was great in The Departed! What a film!”

See the Man of Aluminum in all of his glory here (props to whoever made this! Not only does it feature the Man of Aluminum, but it also has MOTORHEAD! Rock.):

I actually had a full trip planned to see the game against Hull City (generously paid for by Arseanl as a result of my international celebrity and renowned reputation) but then I decided to get drunk and watch Michigan OWN Wisconsin.

I am 99.7% positive that my absence in the stands led to the upset that unfortunately followed. In fact, Almunia said after the game:

"Steve’s absence really hurt us… I looked longingly to the stands for our #1 fan but he was nowhere to be found. Because I was scanning the stands so much, I could not focus on the flurry of shots coming toward the goal I have sworn to protect.”

Come to think of it… I don’t even know if Almunia speaks English. I just know that if he didn’t explicitly say the things above, he definitely thought them.

*I don’t even know if people talk trash in soccer. Do they? I assume so because in that one World Cup game a dude was talking trash and then he got headbutted into oblivion. I don’t even know if Arsenal is better than Man U. I just want to like winners. As Socrates once said: “When every ounce of your being is used to being a champion losing is unacceptable, and becoming a bandwagon fan is acceptable.”