Day 0: Movember in the hizouse

Hi there. It's been a while. Recently, it's been brought to my attention that I have few redeeming qualities other than being humorous in my online presence. Well hey. That's fine with me- I'm going to exploit this strategic advantage like a motherfucker and use it to rake in some major Movember donations! WHO'S WITH ME?!

Wait...  you don't know what Movember is?

Well, it's this:  http://us.movember.com/about/

So... Yeah, I'm doing it. Because cancer sucks. 

So here's what's going to happen.  For each day during Movember, I promise to blog. And hopefully you will donate to the cause because you feel like I've mildly entertained you AND BECAUSE THIS IS A GOOD CAUSE! Don't be scared! Every dollar helps!  

Go here to throw cash money my way:  http://mobro.co/stevedasgupta

Using some super advanced computer technology that you cannot possibly comprehend, I have created a digital projection of what I might look like at Day 30.

Okay, I better get the broomstick out. You know, to keep the ladies back.

A More Honest B-School Essay

The economy sucks.  Job markets suck.  Work sucks. And much like starting drugs and alcohol, I'm about to start graduate school largely because everybody else is doing it.  Okay, not everybody else, just 28% of the over-25 crowd here in DC:

For those who want to shore up their worth in their chosen profession, boost their salaries, switch careers or even simply wait out the bad economy while adding to their academic résumés, the case for earning a master’s degree is strong. Especially, it seems, if you aspire to work, or advance, in Washington. Twenty-eight percent of the over-25 population here has a master’s or PhD — more than any state, according to 2009 Census data.

Original WaPo Article

What seems like a long time ago (11 years), I started my undergraduate degree.  Originally, I was admitted into LS&A at the University of Michigan.  It's the liberal arts portion of the school.  Then, once I got admitted, I made the decision to transfer to the engineering school and major in Civil & Environmental Engineering.  I thought I would be designing awesome bridges with toothpicks and popsicle sticks... because I'm pretty sure I saw it in a movie once and thought it looked cool.  What I got instead was a lot of calculus, then more math, then a bunch of formulas that supposedly stood for... things.  Anyway, getting an engineering degree sucks.  There were times where I literally thought I was going to fail out of school.  And there were times when I literally had no understanding of anything that was written on the board.  I thought it was Greek.  And sometimes it was 90% Greek because of all the variables involved.  And if it wasn't Greek, it had to be Wingdings.  Was my lack of comprehension because I was out drinking the night before?  Possibly.  But the majority of my professors seemed to be deeply rooted in their research with not a lot of skill in teaching.  That didn't help either. 

Was engineering a good choice?  Yes and no.  Yes, because it set me up with summer internships that paid very well.  Engineers also tend to have a bit easier time getting a job and higher starting salaries out of school, as opposed to other majors.  No, because for me, I never had a really really really strong interest in it... I'm not really sure what was going through my 18-year old mind when I picked my major other than:  "Well... I'm good at math and science so I guess I should do engineering."  And that's actually ironic, because in retrospect, I don't have any kind of supernatural math/science talent-  I was probably best at Spanish in high school.  Mis pantalones estan fluego.  I think that means "my pants are on fire."  So, if I have to trace my engineering decision back to SOMETHING, I'll simply blame it on my Indian (dot, not feather) father who scared me away from all other majors!  It's kinda like:





I also never really gave any long-term thought about whether I could envision spending my life in engineering.  And I guess I never REALLY knew exactly what it would entail-  in my case, working with lots of numbers, blueprints, spreadsheets, and not as much interaction with people as I would have preferred.

Before I got this job, I had numerous summer internships (during college) doing "engineering stuff" which gradually made me feel more and more skeptical about my interest in the field.  In one, I was a QA/QC inspector on a construction site.  What does a QA/QC guy do on a construction site?  I tested concrete and soil.  Exciting, right?  Here's what you do to test concrete:

Step 1:  Pour it into 12" high cylinders, and set them aside to cure.  Try not to get concrete all over yourself, and try not to get run over by the concrete truck.  Helpful Hint:  The 1 trillion dB backup alarm will alert you when you need to move.

Step 2:  Come back a few days later and pick up all the cylinders you made.   You won't need to go to the gym today because concrete is 120+ lbs/CF.  And of course, you probably had to leave the cylinders in some totally inaccessible spot, which now requires you to carry them 100 yds, one at a time, to your truck.

Step 3:  Take all the cylinders back to a lab, and use a big machine to exert more and more compressive force on them until they eventually smash.  It sounds exciting, and it is... for like the first 3 cylinders.  But you have 200 to break.  

It was horrible.  I sat in a truck most of the day, and when I had to get out, it was to tell grizzled construction veterans that they were not performing their work as specified.  Awesome, right?  First they hated me.  Then they tried to be my friend.  That led to them trying to bribe me-  and once, in Detroit, it led to a man in an excavator threatening to bury me while I stood at the bottom of a 20' deep trench.  Fun.  Don't get me wrong-  I DID encounter a lot of cool people along the way.  On one particular occasion, the foreman of an asphalt-paving crew showed up at the start of the day with a bunch of raw venison (from a deer he killed the day before).  He then wrapped it in foil and put it underneath the paver machine which basically expels asphalt at 300-390 degrees.  15 minutes later, he was riding around, chowing down on an awesome meal, and he gave me half.  That was cool.  But most  of my experiences weren't.  And so came the harsh realization for me that Civil Engineering was married to the construction industry, and I didn't want to be in the Construction Industry.  But long story short, I survived my internships, my undergraduate education, and ended up getting a solid job where I've been for 7 years... and when I settled on my current company, it seemed different enough, and the people cool enough for me to stay in the field.

Fast forward seven years from that point, and here I am now with one month to go before I leave that same job!  And I'm excited!  After seven years in the same place, I have developed an intense case of cabin fever-  I've been holed up in the same position doing the same thing for too long, and if I don't get out of the cabin, I'm 99% confident that I will go insane.  In fact, it was last August was when the feelings of oncoming insanity began.  I told my co-worker/friend during a particularly annoying day at work:

"Dude, I swear to God.  If I am not gone by next summer, I will have failed at life."

Failed at life!  Such strong language!  But I wasn't exaggerating!  What had me at the end of my rope?  Boredom.  Lack of challenge.  No foreseeable opportunity for advancement.  Pay freezes for years.  Cuts to company benefits (drastic 401K match reduction).  But more than anything, it was a feeling of missing out.  I feel/felt like 90% of my friends were doing cooler and more appealing things than me, and that it was time for a drastic change.  And so I signed up for the GMAT that afternoon.  Business school has always been a "vague" destination that I have envisioned myself checking out at one point or another because I've always been interested in the subject matter (there's a nerdy side of me that loves analyzing stocks, finance, marketing, etc)... Although I won't lie, I did go through a phase where I was vehemently opposed to graduate school of any kind because I thought it was a waste of money.  And to an extent it is... because you COULD teach yourself everything you will learn in a graduate program... (cue Matt Damon's scene from Good Will Hunting- watch the whole thing)...  only that requires a certain commitment/drive/motivation that most people simply don't have... I certainly don't have it!  Anyway, my research and gut tells me that it is a good investment that will prevent me from being pigeonholed in the future.

A part of me still thinks that prior to taking the MBA plunge I should at least try to get a job that appeals to me in a completely non-related industry, but I feel very much branded as an "ENGINEER," and that people in non-related industries will not see what I bring to the table.  The "being-branded-as-something" is a big problem for me because when you are branded, people tend to not look beyond it and you just cater to their stereotypes.  For example, this is a software engineer, right?:



But I completely understand the desire to only hire people with relevant industry experience... because I would be skeptical about hiring an anthropology or french major to estimate structural repair costs and manage structural engineering projects.  And even if I were to lock up a job in an unrelated industry, it would likely be accompanied with a healthy pay cut.  So, re-reading this paragraph, it appears that in the face of adversity and intense challenge, I am waving a white flag of surrender by ponying up the $150K+ involved for some higher learning.  IS that what I'm doing though?  Hopefully not...  My hope is that an MBA will give me much more flexibility to continue switching my career to match my ever-changing interests-  Although there is always the possibility that my "ever-changing interests" are really just some f'd up type of personality disorder or ADD-  and that they could be dealt with in a more economical manner through a  healthy (or unhealthy) dose of prescription meds and a few visits to a well trained psychologist*.




*Who likely has gone to grad school

Campaign to Star Steve

Oh hey there.

This little gem popped up on my News Feed today...

... and so I just wanted to give you a friendly reminder to star me.  

As an anonymous member of "Steve's Stars" (catchy right?), you will have access to the following via my "News Feed":

-Insider and up to the minute knowledge of when/if I am hungover or not, and how severe the hangover is!

(Example:  "So hungover.  Feels like there are little lilliputians jackhammering my brain to pieces.")

-News feed posts that will take you directly to this, the finest blog in all of the lands, updated approximately once every 6-7 months, depending on my blogging work ethic, mood, and alignment of the stars

-Only the MOST IMPORTANT updates on my life, like:  

"Fuck.  I just had the most amazing cake."

Also, let me further the case for starring me by telling you what you won't see in my news feed:

-Daily side shots chronicling my pregnancy.  

So there you have it.  Take the plunge and become one of Steve's Stars.  You won't be let down.

Jesus Christ, Scientist

As my girlfriend and I walked back from a filling brunch this weekend, we had to walk past my least favorite building in DC.

Behold.  This grimy, dirty... thing... is actually "Third Church of Christ, Scientist."

To which I said:  "Wait... Wasn't Christ a carpenter?"  Turns out he was a scientist too I guess, or at least according to the "Church of Christ, Scientist (Wikipedia)"

Anyway, the building sucks, and the name of the church is weird.

The building looks like Robocop's head, right?!  Right?!  AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?

I don't know about you, but I think it's weird that a CHURCH designed their building around a law enforcing cyborg's head?  Is this some symbol?  Does this church believe that there will be an ultimate day of reckoning where Robo Cop purges society of sinners?  Does the church extend 50 stories underground, forming a GIANT Robo Cop that will rise and do the purging?!  You may think that what I just typed sounds crazy, but when things like this exist, is it REALLY out of the realm of possibility?  This Church is actually real.  It's in Ohio (obviously).  You can see it when you drive down I-75.  When I first saw it I screamed: "Jesus!"  Except it wasn't because I actually saw Jesus, it was me using his name in vain.  Thus, when I get to the gates of heaven, let the record show that I was a profane man, but honest.  

Let's research more.

Hmm...  Interesting seal guys.  So you want to:

1)  Heal the Sick

2)  Raise the Dead (ZOMBIES WTF?!?!?!)

3)  Cleanse the Lepers

4)  Cast out Demons

I can get behind all of those goals except for #2... and I would prefer not to touch lepers.  Cleansing the lepers seems like a low-paying, non-fulfilling job.  But then again, there is 9.X% unemployment.  Leper cleansing could generate the jobs we need!  But getting back to #2...  America has zombie fever right now.  People talk about zombies all the time thinking that its all just fun and games.  But is it fun and games when there are groups actively trying to raise the dead?  

That's fucked up.  And should they succeed anytime soon, I'm going to make sure I have shotguns loaded and ready (Disclaimer:  Last I checked,  possession of firearms  within the District is either illegal or highly restricted- I'm guessing I would have to store them in safes at my parents' residence in Virginia, a short 15 minute drive from my home. Which means, if the dead are raised, I'll have to get from DC to Virginia with only my brains, brawn, and above average agility.)

Anyway, I was thinking that I could start a Church of my own soon...  Here are some ideas I was tossing around in my head:

• Church of Christ, Esq. (the seal would be Jesus wielding a gavel)
• Church of Christ, Marine Biologist (the seal would be Jesus riding a dolphin)

Okay, those were the only two I had.  

But when I think back on it, I once saw a picture of Jesus Christ riding a dinosaur on a friend's blog, and "Church of Christ, Dinosaur Rider" has the best ring to it, the best "seal imagery" (see below), and the best marketing/advertising/and-most-importantly-selling power.

Corporate Theorem

Many of you may not know, but I dabble in philosophy and the pursuit of universal truths. 

Because of this, I often develop theorems that help explain particular phenomena.

Here is one that I believe has been proven time and time again that pertains to office computer literacy:

There is an inverse relationship between employee age, and understanding of the REPLY-TO-ALL e-mail option.

More and more often, it seems like the older an employee is, the higher their likelihood of sending out some pointless jibberish to an entire office (or corporation).

I think this problem rears its head worst around the holidays.  Inevitably, what happens is that one of the people from our Corporate Office (let's call her Janet) will send out an email to ALL USERS (quite literally, all users of email in our 20-some branches, encompassing 1000+ employees) saying "Happy Holidays Everybody!  blahblahblahblahblah."  Then, all hell breaks loose, because an avalanche of responses begins.  Here's the kind of bullshit that can be expected in "replies-to-all," and my thoughts about the responses.

1 minute later:
Jack, the Corporate VP out of Chicago will reply (to all):
"Hey thanks Janet!  Happy Holidays to all of you too!  Be safe"
(I think:  "Oh sweet Jesus.  It begins.  Fuck you Jack.  Seriously.")

1 1/4 minutes later:
George, the warehouse manager from Hartford replies (to all):
"Thanks."
(I think:  "Thank you George for your enlightened response.  I had not considered your perspective.  I'm going to stab out my eyes now.")

1 3/4 minutes later:
Eric, from Tampa replies (to all):
"Oh you too Janet!  Have fun all you Northerners!  Enjoy your snow!  It's 75 here!  I'm taking the family down to the beach."
(I think:  "Eric.  May the crystal waters surrounding Florida be infested with sharks and box jellyfish.  May the waters be infected with oil just as your pointless response has infected my Outlook.")  

2 minutes later:
Brendan, Project Manager from St. Paul replies (to all):
"Thanks for that Eric.  It's 20 here and miserable."
(I think:  "Brendan man!  Thanks for the dose of sarcasm to lay out Eric the Dick, but let's just stop this nonsense.  You're just feeding the fire.")



5 Minutes Later:  
Jan, from Corporate, replies (to all):
"Oh Eric know need to bring the grinch out!"
(I think:  "God Jan.  Learn to spell.  It's evident nobody is doing any work.  I'm getting the fuck out of here.")


And so it continues.  On average, I would anticipate that emails of the "Happy Holidays" nature generate an average of 15 or so totally useless emails.  Generally, 99% of all of these horrible reply-to-alls come from men.  Whether this is because old men are totally computer illiterate, or because I work in construction which is 95% men, I don't know.  I just report the facts as I get them.

But unfortunately, misuse of the "reply-to-all" feature does not just occur with holiday messages.  It happens on a daily basis.  It's not at all uncommon to be copied on the back and forth of two people (out of 10 or so) that are trying to line up a meeting... Now I understand being copied on the correspondence if I need to attend this particular meeting, but that is generally not the case.  Typically, maybe 3/10 people on the original email are "required attendees."  Therefore, the remaining 7 people probably don't need to get 10 new Inbox messages consisting of:

Attendee #1:  "Okay great, it looks like it's just going to be the three of us"
Attendee #2:  "Awesome, where do you want to have the meeting?"
Attendee #3:  "How about the blue room on the 4th floor?"
Attendee #1:  "Can't.  Joseph is using it for a proposal review."
Attendee #2:  "That fucking guy."
Attendee #3:  "Who?   Joseph?  He's not that bad."
Attendee #2:  "Fuck Joseph, let's go to Five Guys."
Attendee #1:  "gotta get there before 11:30 AM or else its too crowded."
Attendee #2:  "K.  Done.  5 guys at 11:15."
Attendee #1:  "Thanks everybody see you there"

So people.  What I would like you to take away from this blog post is the following:

WHEN I DECIDE TO REPLY-TO-ALL, IT IS FUNNY, AND SHOULD BE APPRECIATED.  BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, IT'S JUST NOT COOL.  

Because YOU are probably the one who pours salt into my wound by replying-to-all:

Attendee #2:  "hey guys wait. which 5 guys?  the one by the mall or the one off 95?"

Favorite Music Videos of Lately

I've been extremely busy not blogging lately.

Here are some of my favorite music videos of "lately" that I've come across.  "Lately" encompasses a period of roughly... I dunno... how long has it been since I last posted about music videos?  But you know what?  These videos are all pretty sweet.  They are required viewing.  And that makes the name of this blog ironic... because I advocate that there is nothing to see here, and yet there is.  This blog is a contradiction of everything you and I have ever known.  It defies the space time continuum.  I don't even know what that means.  Just prepare for your mind to be blown.

The Avalanches- "Since I Left You"

This album has actually been one of my favorite albums since it first came out.   And that was in 2000.  You were probably freaking out about Y2K back then.  But while you were freaking about Y2K, this album dropped, and it was/is awesome.  And then, 10 or so years after the album release, I noticed this video.  And the video's awesome too.  It's very "feel-good."



Is Tropical - The Greeks

This video is BALLER.  It is a video LIKE A BOSS.  What am I even watching?!  It's like a short film of kids re-enacting some ridiculously baddass blend of "Heat," "Scarface," and every other violent movie about drugs and gangs ever made.  I love the drug lab in the video.  It's professional.


IS TROPICAL - THE GREEKS (official music video) from EL NINO on Vimeo.


Raekwon - "House of Flying Daggers"

So during the time I've spent not blogging, I've listened to a LOT of Raekwon and Ghostface Killah.  Between the two of them, I think I have like 10 of their albums.  That's impressive, because I can't think of many rappers that have more than 1 or 2 good albums.  Anyway, in true Wu-Tang style, these guys love kung-fu, and I love kung-fu.  Hence, I love this video:

A New Case of the Mondays

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Everybody remembers these lines.  Because everybody knows Office Space.  Or, at least I thought everybody knew Office Space.  Recently, the culmination of six years in a unique work environment have led me to suggest the following rules for the workplace.

1)  The "Unfiltered Positivity Rule."  Henceforth, individual employees shall not exude sickening amounts of positivity in an effort to counteract general majority feelings of cynicism and pessimism.

Example:
I come in to work everyday and am typically between 6.3-8/10 on what I will call the "positivity scale", which I feel is pretty decent for the existing gloomy economic climate.  And yet, when I come in, I more often than not encounter an employee who I will call "Bob."  When I see Bob, I have to say hello-  if I don't, Lord knows he will be offended.  And so I play the game, and don't really have a problem with it.  But after I say "Hey Bob how's it going man?!,"  it's his response that pains me.

Inevitably he responds with something like:  "Oh you know me!  Even on my worst day I'm better than you on your best day!"  Really?!  Lawrence, can you say shit like that?

If Bob told me he were doing great, and left it at that, that's one thing.  But his "unfiltered (and excessive) positivity" offends me and frankly makes me think that there is something wrong with him.   I should note that Bob does this with everybody and I am not alone in my feelings about it.

We also used to have another guy who when you asked how he was doing, would respond:  "Too blessed to be stressed my brotha."  This was always a touch ironic because he had a reputation for not really working all that hard.

Where do these people come from?!

2)  Do not tell employees they are lucky to be overworked, because at least they are employed.  I get it.  We are in a bad economy.  There is just under 10% unemployment and those of us who have jobs are lucky.  BUT, for those of in the private sector, it is more often the rule than the exception that in order to navigate these challenging times, companies cost cut.  And they typically cost cut by cutting people.  And the same workload that 10 people used to share is now split among 7 people.  And so while the 7 people are lucky to still be employed, they are doing a lot more, and getting compensated the same (or less).  When one's workload dramatically increases, I think it is natural for them to occasionally vent.

The other day, I was venting.  Things had come to a tipping point, and I was having a moment of insanity.  And as I vented, someone said to me:  "Well, it's better than the alternative right?  I mean... it's better to have too much work than being unemployed right?  I mean, at least we have jobs."

Okay.  Thanks, I get it.  But what you just said to me does NOT make me feel better.

When someone tells you they have cancer, do you respond "Well... at least you're alive, right?  At least it's not ebola.  That shit will kill you even faster."  ?

In a lot of way, this rule ties into #1.  In companies' quests to improve employee morale in these nasty times, they are doing and saying the most ridiculous things.  They are willing to try and do everything and anything EXCEPT admit the reality of the situation.  Honesty always wins out, and I think I would prefer to hear:  "Look.  Shit really is awful right now.  But we're going to get through it, things will improve, and we appreciate  you sticking it out with us."

You want to fix your office environment?  It's simple.  Send out an Outlook Invite to your employees.  12:00 PM Friday, free up your schedule because lunch is on the company.  We'll congregate in the Conference room, we're going to put Office Space up on the projector, and work's out for the week when it culminates.  And from there, we're going to Happy Hour where you first few drinks are on us.