Michigan Football 2008 : (

Being a Michigan Football fan is incredibly difficult this year. The team is nothing short of terrible and shows little to no improvement from game to game. The overall situation has reached the point of crisis, and it is clearly affecting people. What follows is various text message correspondence I've had with friends and enemies (Penn Staters). It's actually pretty funny to see how angry and disenchanted people are getting! Of course, I don't pretend to NOT be one of those people. Pay special attention to Jordan's messages since I think his are the funniest by far!

Anyway, here it is for your reading pleasure (unfortunately, I don't have any of my text messages from before the Wisconsin game... chances are, they were equally humorous). MY thoughts/comments about various text messages are in blue...:

Game: Wisconsin (Obviously, this is the game where we played like total shit the 1st half and then staged a miraculous 2nd half comeback to win!)
1^st Half, Getting Killed:

Eamonn (Diehard Michigan fan):
-Watching our offense in person is painful. PS we are never going to be able to recruit a receiver ever again.

Jordan:
-I hate this offense. I hate this team. I hate Rich Rodriguez, and I hate Bill Martin.

Jordan, replying to my statement that Lloyd could not do much better with this team:
-Mallett would be there along with three other O-lineman who bolted. Just can not fathom they could be this inept. Ever.

2^nd Half, The Comeback Begins:

Jordan
-I will say this, this team keeps fighting.

Post-Game:

Jordan, on winning the game and the possibility of my friend and I going to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl:
-Tell her I’ve got a place for us to stay in Pasadena.

and then 5 minutes later...

-Believe

Eamonn:
-I changed my mind about this game being no fun.

Game: Illinois
Pre-Game

Jordan:
-The Juice is NOT loose.

Little did we know the Juice would be totally loose all game.

Post-Loss

Matt (PSU Fan):
-Is this the same Illinois that PSU dominated last week?

This comment almost caused me to smash my phone.

Nichole (Diehard Michigan fan):
-Yeah, I am glad I didn’t witness that shit.

Nichole didn't witness the game because she had to puke multiple times due to a wicked hangover. Respect.

Game: Toledo
Post-Loss

Matt :
-Seriously?

C'mon... Toledo's not THAT bad...

Chris (PSU Fan):
-You guys suck.

Man... Toledo's really bad and we lost to them...

Jordan:
-Nice team we have

If there was ever a need for SARCASM font, it was for the above statement.

Game: Penn State

Ralph:
-Yeah baby!! We are “beating” Michigan.

I like how beating was quoted as if to say that beating us is the easiest thing in the world... which it is this year.

Nichole:
-I hate their cheers.

Nichole went to Penn St for the game! Boy did she get a treat!

Ralph:
-Hey I waited 10 games. Let me have this one.

This is true... Penn State did drop 9 in a row to us... but still, I wanted to make it 10.

Jordan:
-Terminate the entire fucking program.

Hahahaha... Jordan should be athletic director.

Game: Michigan State

Pregame Correspondence:

Jordan:
-Blue will get it done tomorrow, no doubt baby. Sorry Sparty.

Me:
- I love your violent mood swings regarding our teams’ ability!

This sums up Jordan's views on our team this year!

Jordan:
-I just watched a special on big ten network about UM. Bo won’t let us lose tomorrow because tradition doesn’t die. Go Blue.

Well that's that! Here's to hoping we win this week!

Until kickoff, satisfy yourselves with this list of things to show to "Little Brother:"

http://www.michigandaily.com/content/2008-10-23/youre-little-brother-because

Obama & McCain... BFFs

I think this is the perfect analogy for the relationship between Obama and McCain!







So A Few Good Men was way more intense, but the feeling is the same. That feeling is: Obama loves proving McCain wrong, and McCain loses his temper and says things he regrets (Kissinger did say it would he'd be up for meeting Iran w/out preconditions- just not at a Presidential level). Meanwhile, Tom Cruise loves messing with Colonel Jack, and does so just enough to get him into screwing up and confessing to ordering the Code Red.

Beautiful.

Health Care in America

So, watching the debate tonight, health care inevitably came up again. Apparently, it's a HUGE issue in that it's expensive, inefficient, etc. That said, I thought I'd share a few pointers with America on how to keep your health care costs down and stay... well... alive. This is some of the strategery I employ so I'm sure it will work for you too:

1) In general, avoid the doctor. In the past 5 years or so, I've only gone to the doctor a couple times. Once because I thought I had a poisonous spider eating me OR some weird STD OR was having an allergic reaction- turns out they were flea bites (the result of my roommate's girlfriend's filthy cat scattering the damn things everywhere in the house)- AND once because I was tag-teamed with a double ear infection and bronchitis. Outside of emergencies, just don't go to the doctor! All they will give you is bad news! Why would you ever want to find out that you have cancer or ebola or an incurable stomach parasite?! Ignorance is bliss.

2) DO NOT PAY FOR PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. THEY ARE A COMPLETE SCAM. All illnesses in life can be cured by one or more of the following:
-Naps
-Mucinex D
-Claratin
-Vix VapoRub
-NyQuil
-Band-Aids & Neosporin
-Alcohol*
-Marijuana- those doubting the healing powers of weed work for big money pharmaseuticals

*A general note: alcohol doesn't mix with a lot of the other treatments so employ it as a stand alone treatment at your discretion.

3) Don't eat breakfast. Obesity is rampant in America and causes loads of health problems. Skipping breakfast can help prevent obesity.

4) NEVER EVER EVER EVER try to self diagnose a potential illness / medical condition on the Internet! You will end up thinking you have some crazy disease that only occurs every 7th year among monkeys in the Congo. Take your mind off any potential symptoms you may have by filling your calendar with parties and other fun activities.

5) Start your day with coffee, and keep an easily accessible source of caffeine close to you for the day's remainder. The goal is to keep a buzz going long enough through the day to result in a slow letdown that should occur right as you walk into your bedroom at the end of the day.

If you try some of the above tips, I promise you you'll look and feel great. Just like me (On left)!

Joe Biden

That's all.

Worst Band Ever- An Ear Bleeding Experience

So my friend and I went to the Black Cat last night to catch the band Pinback. For those of you who don’t know Pinback, they can best be compared to Death Cab for Cutie although they have a much more “layered” sound, two vocalists, and in my opinion, are much better. I was pretty pumped about the show and felt even more excited about it once I got a few beers in me at the bar next door to the Black Cat.

Sample Pinback Song:

Once we got to the Black Cat, we hung out in the downstairs bar and talked to some people before ultimately going upstairs to the main stage area. While pre-show drinking, a few people made comments about the opening band like:

“They’re kindof ehhhh...”

“They’re not-so-hot…”

Etc.

When I hear those types of comments, I think to myself: “Well, I’ll give them a shot... All bands deserve to at least be heard once! And besides, they can’t be THAT bad…”

Well, I recant. There are some bands that DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HEARD ONCE. Not even for a second. THIS was one of those bands.

The band was called sBACH and this is the description of their album from Amazon:

“sBACH is Spencer Seim, (Hella, The Advantage). This record is a frenetic mélange akin to the sights, sounds, and sugar rushes of an entire elementary school locked in a Chuck E. Cheese and having to subside on an all-you-can-eat buffet of Fun Dip and Pixie Stix. The animatronic, caffeinated band dishes out phosphorescent doom riffs while running amok with blips and bleeps. Kitschy, stoner rock with jazz rhythms and chicken scratch electronica.”

What the F does that even mean?!?! Just reading the description instantly throws up red flags. Actually HEARING this band though is something eerily similar to having taking QTips and shoving them through your ears, into your brain, one after another until they get pushed through your brain and out your nose. Now I’ve never done that, but the pain my senses felt was DEFINITELY on that level.

My exact words upon hearing this band: “You know what this sounds like? UNICORN GENOCIDE.”

sBach conjured up images in my head of unicorns dancing merrily and then being systematically murdered by the on-stage idiots who thought they were making “music.” If you want a true description of what these guys sound like, it’s the following:

1 Part Old School Nintendo Video Game Soundtrack
1 Part Loud Drumming
1 Part Dying Robot
All with a heavy dosage of “No Musical Key or Time Signature Whatsoever”

I can’t believe people actually applauded for this shit. Wait, yes I can, because if EVER there was “mocking applause,” THIS was it.

I want to offer a challenge to all my 3 readers out there: Go to the Amazon link, and pay the $0.99 for a song. Wait, scratch that- don’t support these guys. Go to their MySpace page (http://www.myspace.com/sBACHband) and let your ears enter a world of pain at no cost. Actually, don't waste your time. Just click below and attempt to watch/listen to this shit:

If you can listen to the whole thing all the way through, you most definitely can survive the following without even blinking:

-Waterboarding

-Imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay if you were to be accused of being a top Al Queda operative

-Nuclear Holocaust

-Being eaten alive by maneating insects like in the latest Indiana Jones movie which wasn’t all that good.

Thankfully, Pinback was good and saved the night.

Next up on the Concert Schedule:

10/4 Chromeo @ the 930 Club
11/5 Rival Schools @ Ottobar
11/10 Kings of Leon @ Constitution Hall
11/11 Smashing Pumpkins @ Constitution Hall (Yes, I ended up buying tickets to it)
2009 Metallica @ Verizon Center

Hopefully these guys will have some decent openers.