Soccer/Futbol/Not-REAL-football

So recently I’ve decided to start watching soccer. Since globalization is so trendy these days, I am globalizing my sports watching. After speaking to my soccer-knowledgeable roommate and doing some Wikipedia-ing on the English Premier League, I have decided that the lucky team that will receive my full fledged support is … (drumroll please), ARSENAL! Really, this was the easiest decision ever. Arsenal’s team name is the GUNNERS which is possibly the most badass sports name ever.

Bill Simmons wrote a good how-to on... well... how to pick a EPL team to follow. Also, allow myself to introduce myself. While the bandwagon potential for Arsenal is, according to Simmons, “off the charts,” I really just don’t care. My REAL football teams (Michigan and Green Bay) are having "rebuilding" (read: really shitty) years so I need to root for a team that consistently wins so I can feel good about life.

In other soccer news, I noticed in my research that AIG is a sponsor of Manchester United. This is the same AIG that we just bailed out. Good thing they have their financial priorities in place! Though their contract was only 0.11% of the $85 billion they’re getting ($100M contract signed in April 06), I still think that everybody should be able to make fun of them for this. ESPECIALLY because AIG is now essentially a synonym for FAIL, and is prominently displayed on all Man U players’ chests. Be proud while you can Futbol Yankees. You too will beg for mercy like AIG, except it will be at the hands of the vicious Gunners*.

More like:

Getting back to Arsenal, I notified the team earlier this week that they would be receiving my undying loyalty and they seemed REALLY pumped about it. Goalkeeper Manuel Almunia (loosely translated from Spanish, this means MAN OF ALUMINUM- ALSO BADASS!) said in an interview last week:

“Steve is going to take Arsenal to a new level- He is like… how you say… the man Spike Lee to the Knickerbockers… also- like the man Jack Nicorette to the Lakers.”

When asked by the press if he intended to say Jack Nicholson, the Man of Aluminum replied: “Ho ho ho yes! Sorry- I am not that familiar with your silly American culture, but that man Nicholson was great in The Departed! What a film!”

See the Man of Aluminum in all of his glory here (props to whoever made this! Not only does it feature the Man of Aluminum, but it also has MOTORHEAD! Rock.):

I actually had a full trip planned to see the game against Hull City (generously paid for by Arseanl as a result of my international celebrity and renowned reputation) but then I decided to get drunk and watch Michigan OWN Wisconsin.

I am 99.7% positive that my absence in the stands led to the upset that unfortunately followed. In fact, Almunia said after the game:

"Steve’s absence really hurt us… I looked longingly to the stands for our #1 fan but he was nowhere to be found. Because I was scanning the stands so much, I could not focus on the flurry of shots coming toward the goal I have sworn to protect.”

Come to think of it… I don’t even know if Almunia speaks English. I just know that if he didn’t explicitly say the things above, he definitely thought them.

*I don’t even know if people talk trash in soccer. Do they? I assume so because in that one World Cup game a dude was talking trash and then he got headbutted into oblivion. I don’t even know if Arsenal is better than Man U. I just want to like winners. As Socrates once said: “When every ounce of your being is used to being a champion losing is unacceptable, and becoming a bandwagon fan is acceptable.”

Vice Presidential Intellect

I didn't think Sarah Palin had the qualifications to be Vice President. But today, I saw a clip that totally changed my mind:



I think this is what she said:

"as Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America -- where do they go??? It's... Alaska. It's just right over the border."

Is that even English?! What does that mean?! I don't get it... Am I stupid or something?! But you know what... I've... I've seen that before... sometime not too long ago... what was it? Oh yeah! I remember- this was when Palin was talking about maps and the Iraq:



Damn... I guess that wasn't Palin! I could have sworn it was! I get my people all jumbled and mixed up sometimes :(

I have no idea what I am doing...

This is my first blog ever! Wow! I feel so advanced... I wonder if I'll be able to stick with it. Maybe someday I'll have things like images and interactive... stuff... but that day is not today. My friends- we have to walk before we can crawl! (I was making fun of John McCain there. Did you get it? Probably not, but he starts every fucking sentence with "My friends..." I personally am not his friend so I feel it's really presumptuous and rude on his part to lump me into that category. Also, the way he says it is so creepy! It's creepy like the way Joe Paterno says "COME TO PENN STATE!!!!!!!" in that one Big Ten commercial.

For the sake of comparison:
Paterno-
See 0:15 and the end...


McCain-


Okay... so I guess that really they're not similar at all- except that they're both senile and old and look like the Cryptkeeper.


Can you honestly tell me you don't see a resemblance?

Oh, and by the way, watch out world! Looks like I just mastered the hell out of adding images to this bad boy!

Anyhow, I apologize, for I digressed really hard.

In no particular order, the two things that I wanted to talk about tonight were:

1) Today, my friend informed me via email that the Smashing Pumpkins (arguably my favorite band ever) are going to be playing two nights in DC. I naturally jumped all over this (because they are one of my favorite bands ever). So, I go to Ticketmaster like any normal person would do when they want a ticket for something. I look up Pumpkins tour dates, and sure enough, two shows are having their presale for DC. BUT, there's a big fucking catch: YOU CAN'T BUY THE GODDAMN TICKETS UNLESS YOU PURCHASE THEM WITH AN AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD! What kind of bullshit is that?! Who decided that would be a great marketing idea? It does not make me think: "Boy... I really should get one of those American Express cards." It makes me think: "Fuck American Express! I'm never getting one of those worthless pieces of shit." I cannot think of a single one of my friends or family members that actually has an American Express card. You know why? Because there are always VISA commercials that are saying how you should always have your VISA card handy because it's accepted anywhere, whereas if you have an American Express card, you're cutting your options down tenfold. Come to think of it, this kindof makes me hate VISA now too. One of the few times I need something immediately, suddenly there's a role reversal and I need the subpar American Express card instead, and VISA is worthless until the public sale. And public sales for tickets are a complete shitshow in their own right. As a frequent ticket-buyer and concert-goer, there is nothing more irritating than having to continually refresh a window waiting for the "More Info" link in Ticketmaster to change to "Find Tickets." Yet, it looks that this is exactly what I'll be doing with my Saturday morning. Great. Maybe I won't even go... This brings me to my second item of business...

2) Should I even want to go to this show?! I've spent a lot of money on tickets lately. I'm seeing Kings of Leon, Pinback, Electric Six/Local H, Metallica, and Chromeo- all in the next 4 months. For a 60-hour/week working guy, that's a lot of shows to be going to. I could really use the spare change, yet I'm a sucker for concerts... But the dilemma for this show isn't about money, it's about the band themselves. The Pumpkins are one of my favorite bands, hands down. But when they reunited, some weeeeeeiiiiirrrdddd shit went down! First, James Iha (Asian guitarist extraordinaire) and D'arcy (hot chick bassist) were either not invited to the reunion, or turned it down (who knows- this stuff is never public). So then, instead of getting Melissa Auf der Mauer (who was a Pumpkin at one point AND A hot chick bassist at that!) to play bass again and getting a new guitarist from a pool of tight rocker friends or something, Billy went out and picked two completely unknown people to fill in. AND, strangely and conveniently enough, he ends up with a hot chick bassist and an Asian guitarist.

Classic Lineup (not shown Jimmy C):
Melissa (Bassist #2 after D'arcy):
New Bassist (Still a chick, still hot):
New Guitarist (Still an Asian dude, still a sweet guitar player):
Now musically this worked. I saw them three times last year and had a great time at all three shows (Asheville NC, DC record release for Zeitgeist, and Virgin Festival) ,but the whole thing wreaks of being a big gimmick. The gimmick thing is stronger than ever now because the DC shows are part of a 20th Anniversary tour. Nothing about the band is the same really so the whole Anniversary thing is a big stretch. Although, Billy is making me tentatively forget about it because there is the promise of old material being played which I am a total sucker for... So, let the internal debate rage on...

3) Last item on my agenda... I was briefly looking at Yahoo News and came across this picture which I found disturbing... I guess... that... if you don't see what this might resemble then... well... don't worry about it. Just have a great night!
"Hail- China!"

Seacrest out.